8 Things Girls Wear That 99.9% Of Guys Hate

Look, I get it – you are your own woman and don’t need some bro with no fashion sense telling you what to wear. You’ve probably rehearsed the “I dress for me, not for men” speech so many times its become almost an automatic reflex any occasion some dude like me has the audacity to tell you they don’t like an article of clothing. I 100% understand where you’re coming from – your choice of fashion is about a lot more than just impressing guys. You do you girl!

But us guys are entitled to an opinion too (whether you choose to listen to it or not is up to you). And if you’re into men, chances are you couldn’t look me in the eyes and honestly tell me you’ve never put on clothes with the intention of turning some heads.

The truth is, for the most part guys really don’t care what you wear – because usually you somehow manage to make whatever you put on look good. In fact, the power of women to completely transform themselves every single day using just clothes and makeup is still pretty amazing to me. Its like a superpower. But there are some things probably already in your wardrobe rotation that men almost universally hate.  So if you’re getting dressed with the intention of impressing a certain someone of the opposite sex, these are some articles of clothing you might want to avoid:

1. High Waisted Jorts

High Wasited Jorts – first on the list, and probably one of the most universally hated by men. Who even started this trend? No, really – I want their full name and last known address. As a devout “ass man” and self-proclaimed booty connoisseur, I want to find this person, drive them out to a secluded location, make them dig a deep hole, fill it with Jorts, & bury them alive in it. I can’t even imagine the thought process which leads some women to think “hm, let me take my perfectly sculpted ass, this booty which I’ve worked at for years with hours of squats and ‘fat burning wheat grass juice cleanses’ – and i’ll make them look like two chicken cutlets sticking out of a broken denim shopping bag “.  Nobody looks good in high wasted jean shorts. Nobody. Even the sexiest super models on the planet look just OK in them. I can guarantee you almost any guy would prefer to see your love handles than the Jorts you’re trying to hide them with.

2. Peplums

 

No joke, I just learned the real name for a Peplum 5 minutes ago by googling “bullshit frilly fabric belt”.  Admittedly, I don’t keep particularly up to date with women’s fashion more than what I see on the street or overhear from my girl friends, but I’m pretty sure this trend was supposed to be dead like 2 years ago . So why does it continue to haunt mankind? Are you wearing a short skirt, or are you wearing a long skirt – make up your damn mind and lose the horrible Frankenskirt abomination!

Peplums are not only ugly on their own, they make most women’s bodies look like they sewed a midget’s torso onto a normal sized person’s waist & legs. Take Peplums as a warning for future generations – next time a terrible fashion trend dies, make sure to kill it with fire.

3. Rompers

Seriously though, f*** rompers. No guy on the planet likes see women wearing a romper. Ok, maybe that’s an exaggeration – there’s probably one guy who likes rompers, but he almost definitely wears a fedora and thinks whipping out his acoustic guitar at parties & singing the first 2 verses of Wonderwall is going to get him laid.  Knowing what I know now about rompers, I actually get angry at the fact that these even exist. They destroy your curves, ruin your ass, and give the overall impression of a toddler on an Easter-Egg hunt (probably because they were actually invented for toddlers in the first place). “But I have this one really cute romper that I look AMAZING in”. Sorry, but no, no you don’t.

The worst part about rompers – not only are they hideous, they’re completely impractical. I once asked a girl friend out of curiosity about how women even go to the bathroom while wearing one (I had assumed there was always some hidden zipper or something) – I was completely floored to learn that you either have to “just pull it to the side”, or “get completely naked in the stall”. Wait, what in the actual f*** is that!?  Why did we decide to go back 2 centuries in clothing technology & make the Mormon “magic underwear” look a thing? And how the hell did this become go-to summer music festival fashion?? Now every time I’m with an otherwise attractive girl at a festival who happens to be wearing a romper, whenever she goes to the bathroom, I have to imagine her getting fully undressed in a disgusting porta potty that has shit & urine smeared across every surface. I don’t even want to come within 3 feet of you after that, let alone make out with you.

“Oh, but I just pull it to the side”. Awesome; I used to always wonder who are the guys with such terrible aim that they spray piss all over toilet seats. Now I know, it’s not the guys doing it at all, its girls wearing rompers attempting the side-pull & hover technique, who get their crotch fabric caught in the stream.  P.S. They look  better on the toddler!

4. Bandeaus

Bandeaus look like you’re trying to rock the surgical bandages they put on women after a breast augmentation procedure. In fact, I’d bet money the bandeau was born when some fashion diva got a boob job & somehow managed to pull it off as a new trend.  Bandeaus just aren’t hot. I’m not even fully sure why they’re so unattractive. Maybe it’s because even if you have the perfectly shaped, perky tits to go with them, they still make your shoulders look like a linebacker. When it comes to Bandeau, just say no!

5. Those Ruffley strapless blouse things

What could be sexier than maternity wear meets the Ugly Shirt from Seinfeld. I don’t know the official name for these, all I know is they should be dissolved in acid like Walt getting rid of a body in Breaking Bad.  Guys like boobs. Even if you don’t have big boobs, we still like whatever you have going on. If you’re dressing to impress, show off what you got, don’t hide them under 16 layers of frilly fabric.

6. Long, Fake Nails

9/10 times guys don’t even notice your nails, unless they’re long, brightly covered, & frighteningly sharp. So when we see long fake nails, we think of three things –prostitutes, Snookie, & having our balls accidentally sliced open in an unfortunate hand job incident. I presume you don’t want to be associated with any of those things. Most guys tend to prefer a more natural look. Fake nails have the uncanny ability to make the rest of you seem fake, & sometimes even kind of trashy, regardless of how you look overall.

7. Ridiculously high heels

I vividly remember one Saturday-night in NYC, I was in a Taxi on my way to some club in Meatpacking, when the Romanian driver pointed out to me how you can always tell European girls from the American girls by how they walk in heels. We stopped at a light, and he points to two beautiful girls gracefully strutting down the sidewalk in heels – it was majestic, almost like they were born in those heels – “I bet they’re European”.  Sure enough, one of them yelled something to her friend in Duth. At the next light, he points out a group of three girls, clunking & clacking down the street. One of them struggled to pull down her too-short dress, while the other buckled her ankle on the curb.  “Definitely American.” Sure enough, ankle buckler yelled to her friend in English.  This can’t be unseen.

Besides the fact that they make you walk like a drunk giraffe with palsy, high heels are the surefire way to turn any night out into a disaster.  Having fun in the club? Too bad, one of the girls you came out with just fell on the dancefloor, and now you’re having to hold her back from getting in a full out brawl with the bouncer who’s to kick her out for being too drunk, as she yells about how she’s going to “sue him and then burn this bitch down”.  Almost escaped the night without anybody crying? Almost…if your girl didn’t just slip and fall down 2 flights of stairs in front of 100 people.

The list goes on. Nice night out and want to walk instead of taking a cab? Nope. Get caught in a rain storm & need to quickly sprint for cover? Hope you like getting wet. Have a freaky foot festish & looking forward to sucking on some toes later? – sorry, your girl decided to ditch her shoes hallway through the night when her heel started to bleed, & proceeded to dance barefoot in a graveyard of spilled cosmos and week-old vomit that’s been cleaned with a mop which hasn’t been properly disinfected in 3 years.

You can’t walk in them (even if you think you can), they hurt your feet & give you blisters, and you’re not fooling anybody into thinking your legs are longer than they are – maybe it’s time to rethink this fashion trend. A lot of guys love short girls anyway.

8. Big Sunglasses

Ah the oversized sunglasses. The universal bane of existence for all men.  What is it with women’s obsession with comically large sunglasses? I just don’t get it.  From a guy’s perspective, you’re beautiful, your face is beautiful, and we want to see it. Why would you hide it? Second, even if you do have reason to hide it, you can’t wear those sunglasses forever, and people are going to find out what’s underneath sooner or later anyway, so what’s the point? Hopefully, next summer some fashion-forward trend setter will convince the entire female gender to ditch the big glasses, and finally come out of hiding.

/end rant.

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