The Truth About Online Dating

People do not look like their pictures when you meet them in real life. Sorry to break it to anyone who doesn’t know this yet, but the pool of people who are devastatingly good looking and photogenic do not date online, that shit is just reality. Here are four truths about online dating.

1. The vague as f*** picture
Dude’ll be wearing sunglasses and/or hat, other variations include “Hey ladies I love the outdoors, this is me wearing huge goggles and a beanie while holding my snowboard in front of my body, and this is me on vacation scuba diving with a huge snorkel mask things on my face, i cropped out the wetsuit though cos that shit tight as f****, oh and here’s one of me in my ski mask and 5XL black dickies, just a casual night chillinrobbingalocalbank with my buddies.”

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2. The best you’ve ever looked in your life for that one picture
That picture of you all dressed up for that wedding from 4 years ago when you were at your slimmest from having mono and you had had your makeup done at the MAC counter by that drag queen after being talked into buying $55 dollars worth of lipgloss and fake eyelashes. Even though in person your face looked like this, the person who took the picture channelled Herb Ritts and captured you with the perfect lighting from the perfect angle, and somehow managed to make you look two whole numbers higher on the looks scale. It’s that picture that people who know you in real life see and say “wowwwwww that’s a reeeaaally great picture of you. It almost doesn’t even look like you!”

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People lie about dumb shit
This shit is obvious as f***, but I needed to remind people of this. The thing about online dating is, people will be wild upfront about shit they normally can’t be upfront about in real life dating, so people forget how full of shit people can be. A guy will say some shit like “I’m unemployed, married with 3 kids, and looking for someone to f*** me with a strap on every other weekend while my wife’s at her mother’s and nothing more” but then lie about his height.

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The Interests/Hobbies/Activities part of profiles are 95% bullshit.
Oh really? You’re an athletic adventurous romantic with a great sense of humor and taste for life who loves nature walks, volunteering at soup kitchens, going on African safaris, hot air ballooning, and flying kites? When was the last time you actually did any of those things? Do your interests really include cooking me dinner and reading Kantian philosophy? Really? Lets just be honest, you like to scratch your balls while watching Sportscenter and you’ve read twi paragraphs of the wiki page for Critique of Pure Reason. F***outtahere.
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Claudia C. is firstly a genius, secondly keeps it 100 and thirdly knows about sex. Follow her epic twitter @LiteralPorn and read her blog

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