The New Year’s Resolutions We Know You’re Not Going To Keep
New Year’s Resolutions are not only pointless, they suck. They suck because not only do they remind you of the things that make you feel shit about yourself they make you feel even more shit about yourself because you’ll fail miserably at them. So, how about this?
This year’s New Year’s Resolution is…f*** New Years Resolutions. To make you see sense and stop participating in this cruel act of stamping on your own self-esteem here’s my 5 resolutions you no longer need to give a f*** about because once you don’t give a f*** life gets easy. Here’s to a carefree 2015!
Starving yourself after weeks of gorging is NOT going to end well. You’ll just spend your first week back at work feeling fat, hungry and miserable. Instead of spending your lunch break eating carrots gazing at health websites filled with photos of fit, roid-ridden chumps with rock-hard abs…get yourself onto People Magazine’s site and look at all the celebs who’ve ‘let themselves go’. Then rejoice in the fact they look worse than you do, go buy yourself a huge sandwich and get on with your day. If you didn’t stick to your diet in July, you certainly aren’t going to stick to it in January. And that’s ok.
January is depressing. Christmas is gone, the days are a little colder, a little darker and the TV shows are a bit shitter. So if there was anytime to give up alcohol this is not the time. Why add your suffering by taking away the one thing that makes you forget all that? Plus, you’ll be back to your drunk-calling stumbling self by next Friday night anyway. Hangovers are bad enough without added guilt and regret.
3. More Exercise
Why are people so insistent on making themselves miserable? If you didn’t exercise much before – don’t suddenly expect you’re going to become Usain Bolt over night. It’ll depress you even more than your post-Holidays bank balance does.
If you want to feel a bit better about yourself. Build it slowly. Walk to work instead of taking the bus… maybe get a bike and cycle round the park once a week. Or just face the fact you are a bit of a slob and embrace that cosy dent you’ve made in the sofa over Christmas and snuggle back into it.
4. New Things
The New Year is all about new things right? This is the year where you’ll meet someone new. And the year you’ll try a new hobby as well make lots of lovely new friends, right?
This is the yet another year of getting your hopes up and then your heart broken, as well as probably your leg and ending up in a hospital with no new friends to visit you. Stick to the old. Old and familiar is good. Friends who matter will always be there and if you don’t have any, that’s ok too as that probably means you’re not meant to have friends anyway. And the ‘someone new’ will arrive when you least expect it. Or not. But there’s nothing you can do about that so just embrace the bachelor(ette) life and enjoy.
This New Year I’m going to:
a) Change the way I look at life and be more positive.
b) I’m going to call my Mother more.
c) I’m going to be nicer to creepy Steve at work.
No you’re not. Don’t kid yourself or lead on creepy Steve. You are you and there is bugger all you can do about that. Accepting that you are grumpy/lazy/negative/selfish… and loving it is the best New Year’s resolution you can make. F*** the rest. (Well except your Mother… maybe that one you can try to improve on.)