The 7 Worst Things About Adult Sleepovers
It’s always such a good idea at the time. You’re drunk, you don’t want to pay for an uber home, and you don’t mind a little snuggling as long as this dude doesn’t snore.
In the morning? Not so much. Once you pry yourself free of his sweaty underarm, you can search the room for your panties…and wonder why the hell you thought sleeping over was a good idea.
1. It’s Not Your Bed
What’s the best thing about getting home from vacation? Sleeping in your own bed. As much as hotel beds are fluffy and room service is sweet, your own bed is always the best. You’re never going to get the same sleep experience in a dude’s star wars comforters– or worse, his mattress that’s not even on a bed frame. You’re going to wake up sore (no, not from the sex, from the bed), and cranky…and probably hungry too. Not ever a good way to start your morning.
2. Cuddling Is Cuter In The Movies
Do you know why cuddling looks so nice in movies and on Tumblr? Because it’s a screenshot of the whole night. Sure, you may start off at 10 PM with your head perfectly nestled on his pec, but you know where you’re going to end up at 2 AM? Clinging for dear life as he pushes you off the bed with his fat a** and whispers some other chick’s name in his sleep. Not to mention that some guys literally are sleep cuddlers. You can try to pull the stealth “un-cuddling” move once you think he’s fallen asleep, but no, he’ll be following you around the bed worse than he did at the bar previously that night (and you’re not going to be able to sleep for sh*t).
3. Morning Sex Isn’t Always Sexy
I f*cking love morning sex, I won’t lie. However, there’s a big difference between morning sex with your boyfriend and morning sex with that random bartender you went home with last night. First off, if you wake up to a 5 when you expected a 10, you certainly do not want morning sex (and are probably silently praying that you didn’t have sex last night either). Even if he is still tall, dark, and handsome in the morning, his breath probably stinks like cheap vodka and you may or may not need to barf up last night’s straw-ber-ita. As much as you appreciate the fact that he’s offered breakfast, you need to GTFO before you make a mess of his bathroom.
4. You See How The Other Half Lives
If you thought your room was messy, you’ve probably not been to a dude’s place in a while. And if your hook-up actually has a spotless room, he’s either hiding evidence from a murder, or has a professional maid. As if waking up hungover isn’t miserable enough, you get to wake up to the smell of two-week old laundry, an endless amount of half-dranken beers, and weed nugs in the carpet.
5. You’re Ill-Prepared For Daylight
The walk of shame is dead. I prefer the term stride of pride. Regardless, as much as you can own it, it’s not always a good look. Even if you still look hot in the morning, you probably don’t feel so hot when you’re struggling to make it down the steps in your Nastygal wedges and you realize you don’t have any money left on your subway card. What’s worse than this? When you don’t have a f*cking toothbrush in the morning! As much as you don’t want to be that clingy bitch who leaves a toothbrush at your new hook-ups house…it would make life a lot easier (and more sanitary).
6. You Don’t Know Where The F*ck You Are
Forget asking the guy for his name, you’re busy trying to wake his a** up to ask what street you’re on (while praying that you’re still in Manhattan and not in some outer borough). Waking up not knowing where you are is bad enough, but stumbling outside into the bright sunshine in last night’s dress and really not knowing where the hell you are (and how to get home) is a new level. If your phone isn’t dead and you can GPS it, hell yeah. If your phone is dead? Might as well just give up and stroll into the nearest bar to continue your drinking.
7. You Can’t Decide What’s Crossing The Line
Speaking of charging your phone…can you unplug his phone (and try not to look at the missed calls from ‘Jessica’) and put yours in there for some extra juice? What about his toothpaste? Is it weird if you squirt some on your finger and brush your teeth the ratchet way? Hell, can you go downstairs and pour some cocoa puffs for yourself? Maybe ask his roommate if he wants to join next time? The limit does not exist.