Why A Tech Detox Will Make You The Most Hated Person In The Room

The fact that people willingly detox from technology is lunatic-level behavior. Why would you subject yourself to fomo that’s even worse than staying inside alone on a Thursday night? If everyone gave up their phones and laptops at the same time, maybe it would be liberating, but using a phone is indispensable to making essential daily moves. Without it, you can’t document weird-as-hell people or situations on your Snap Story or make plans when you’re already out. You can’t even wake up and wash your face. How are you supposed to massage your pore steaming balm into your open pores for EXACTY four minutes without a timer? Watch the microwave clock like some sort of barbarian? Forget about going anywhere that you need a map to get to, or even getting to an 8am midterm on time. Did you know that there’s no built in alarm clock on your Mac? Yeah.

If you’re subject to a forced phone detox, like you totalled your phone and were too stupid to shell out the 11 dollars a month for AppleCare, it’s way worse than making a conscious choice to spend a day phone-less. Here are some things you will do in this ungodly circumstance.

Carry your open laptop EVERYWHERE to listen to music (iTunes won’t even play if your computer is closed), and casually place it on the too-small Starbucks counter when ordering shit. Your barista will look horrified and purposefully misspell the name on your drink order.

Make mental lists of all restaurants, bars, and even benches where you can bum some free wifi and check your iMessages. Do this for everywhere you go. Make excuses to leave places early in order to connect to said wifi. 

Stress about hanging out with friends. You have to plan a location in advance and both be in that place at the agreed upon time, a total 90s throwback. Forget about trying to plan a meet up when you’re already out somewhere: you have to go home and do it all over again. 

Feel like an unhip parent when anyone brings up Snapchat or Instagram. Sure, you can log into IG online, but there’s a 99% guarantee you won’t remember your passwords. Become hyper-aware when people are ignoring you to check their profiles. 

Spend way too much time on public transit, because you can’t Uber anywhere.

Are you crying at the pain yet?

If you have a close friend or boyfriend who’s too cool for iPhones and insists on using an…ew…Android, break up with them as soon as you lose your phone. IDK how people did it during World War 2 or whatever when all they had to hope for was a parchment love letter from their bae delivered by carrier pigeon once a year. At least we have Facebook messenger. The drawback is that you’ll become the person everyone loves to hate on FB: just being on it so often makes you believe everyone wants to hear your opinions, all the time.

You must keep the tab open no matter what, and stay on it or risk missing important messages. Way beyond liking and lurking, you will comment on peoples posts and even ARGUE with other commenters, especially about Oprah’s views on the Kardashians. You will stoop to replying to the replies people posted on other comments. It’s shameful.

But no matter how bad it is to be without a phone, be nice to your laptop during this time. Otherwise, it will think you don’t appreciate it and it will break, leaving you without any connection to the world whatsoever.

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