6 Signs the Dude You’re Making Out With Is an All-American F*ckboy
One of America’s most obnoxiously patriotic holidays is just around the corner.
Yep, on Monday we can celebrate our independence from England — for the 240th year in the row because we’re still not over it — by chugging beer, lighting off illegal fireworks, and making out with some stereotypical white boy named “Sam.”
But, contrary to what Donald Trump may think, nobody that lives in America is actually American. Human life did not randomly spring forth in Michigan like it did in Mesopotamia. We all have relatives that came from somewhere else, even American Indians.
So when it comes to bros who are really into being American, you know they’re a very particular breed. American pride didn’t choose them — they chose it, because of some combo of bravado, overly macho bluster, and probably insecurity. But hey, they’re fun to party with.
So how can you ensure that you find yourself an All-American dude in time for some freedom-inspired banging on top of an American flag this weekend? Here’s what to look for this 4th of July weekend:
1. American Flag Apparel
This seems like an obvious one, but up until the last few years, nobody over the age of 12 and below the age of 60 would be caught dead in any American flag paraphernalia.
Somehow, perhaps thanks to Tumblr and American Apparel, wearing American flags when you’re actually American became trendy again. It’s like Ginger Spice with her signature Union Jack dress, but frattier and fake-vintage.
You’ll easily be able to spot a dude in American flag Chubbies or a red, white, and blue sleeveless tank; but don’t forget to check coozies, sunglasses, and coolers for less in-your-face American pride this weekend.
2. American Brews
Like every holiday (specifically patriotic ones), we Americans have found an excuse to drink excessively all day since we generally get the day off. No American dude proud of his heritage would dare shotgun a foreign beer on Independence Day, would he? Scour the beach for bros chugging Coors, Budweiser, Miller Lite, PBR, and the ever popular Natty Light.
3. Passed Out Bros
Because of our country’s much higher age restriction on alcohol, our young citizens have rebelled by drinking as much as possible without ever learning how to consume alcohol at a normal pace. In fact, according to a new study, 1.4 million American college students drink alcohol every day.
While the token French exchange student may be chilling on the beach and sipping on a mixed drink, your American bae probably started taking Fireball shots at 10 a.m., didn’t eat breakfast, and is passed out on the beach by noon.
If you ask his bros, they’ll tell you to go for it, but just to be safe you should wait around until he wakes up before making a move.
4. Inspired Pick Up Lines
Maybe you’ll get lucky this weekend, and instead of putting on binoculars to search for a dude in American flag Ray Bans, you’ll have a sunburnt dude saddle up to you at the bar and ask, “on a scale of 1 to America, how free are you tonight?” You could respond by saying, “Guantanamo Bay,” or you could giggle and say, “OMG, USA!” which will then probably start a “USA” chant from his posse. Which reminds me…
5. Anyone Chanting “USA”
Bros loveee chanting about their mother country. Whether they win the world cup or they learn that Osama Bin Laden was found and killed, they’ll be out in the streets smashing cars and flying their American flags in the air while chanting “USA! USA! USA!” as loud as possible. If you want to be able to spot these crowds of patriotic bachelors quickly, study this video from Radford University, taken the night that news of Osama Bin Laden’s death was announced.
6. Anything Basic And Pastel
The widely used term “basic bitch” should really be “basic bro.” Sure, sometimes chicks all look the same/act the same/whatever, but guys are way bigger culprits of being clones. The biggest offenders of walking around looking like twinsies? Frat bros who are obsessed with America. It’s easy to spot them, since they’re mostly wearing pastel colors, polo emblems on their chest, and weirdly high socks. The winning look of the weekend will likely be some salmon colored shorts mismatched with an American flag tank top, complete with high socks and Sperrys. The plus side? If you pull one of these dudes, you won’t be tempted to steal any of their clothes the next morning.