Rules On Inviting People You’ve F***ed To Your Wedding
I married someone I knew from the internet a week and a half after meeting them in real life. Most people would call that crazy. They’d probably expect a Dennis Rodman and Carmen Electra style annulment 2 days in. But nah, we’re way bat shit crazier than those two.
In the process of planning the wedding an interesting issue came up: is it okay to invite people I’ve had sex with?
I don’t believe in being the cunt bridezilla who bans all females my husband finds remotely attractive from “my day”. After all, I have a handful of exes I’m great friends with, and have close male friends who I slept with once and decided nah, better as friends. I believe in keeping sexual partners as friends, so I’m not opposed to me or the hubbington inviting friends we’ve f***ed to our wedding. But I do however think there should be some ground rules when it comes to inviting wedding guests you’ve had relations with.
You cannot disclose to each other which guests you’ve f***ed. Knowing that a few random female guests are old flames doesn’t bother me. However, knowing it was the blonde in the pink dress named Sandra with all the attributes I lack, will bother the F*** outta me. It would probably also lead to me being extremely petty and bumping into and spilling drinks on her all night. So let’s agree to nondisclosure about the exact identities of boned guests.
Don’t invite anyone you’ve f***ed that’s gonna go around telling guests they f***ed you. A good way to ensure this is to make sure the guest you f***ed is in a relationship and bringing a date.
Don’t invite anyone that will choose to speak now and not hold their peace. You should know better than to invite the ex that you know is still madly in love with you.
Lastly and most basically, don’t f*** any of the guests at your wedding. Unless, you know, you’re into that as a couple.