How Boss Bitches Drink Away Their Problems

When life throws unexpected bullshit in our faces whether it’s relationship problems, troubles at work, or any other kind of crap, there are only two ways to handle it: a therapist (but we all know that’s for psychotic crazy bitches) or alcohol (which sometimes turns people into psychotic crazy bitches). Needless to say, I choose alcohol. A good drink can take the sting off any bad news, if done properly. Here are a few drinks and the situations in which they should be taken. Drink wisely.

For the bitch who picks whiskey:

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Well whiskey makes you frisky and this choice of drink will clear your mind of any thoughts after 2 glasses. In a fight with a friend? It’s okay, Jameson will be your friend.

Best taken: after a shitty day at work when someone stole your promotion, you found out your ex wants to get back together, or your cell phone was stolen by a homeless man.

For the bitch who favors shots of patron:

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To all my ladies in the place with style and grace, if you want to get f***ed off your face (I was a rapper in another life). ‘Let’s forget our problems with 1,2,3, maybe 4 shots of this shit’ — is usually what runs through this bitch’s mind. Keep in mind though, not every stomach can handle this, but it does make everything better.

Best taken: This option is perfect to get the sting out of whatever you may be going through and ASAP. From realizing you have 2 midterms the following day that you didn’t study for, to finding out you failed those 2 midterms you didn’t study for, or coming to terms with the fact that you just walked in on your boyfriend and your annoying ass roommate.

For the bitch who picks vodka:

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Who the hell doesn’t love vodka? Mixed with cranberry juice, orange juice, or the most prized – pineapple — this concoction brought us the magic that is ‘white girl wasted.’ The girls stumbling on the cobblestones in the meatpacking district: vodka. The girl scarfing down pizza at 3 in the morning: vodka. Why you gave your number out to a 50-year-old man: vodka.

Best taken: after a break up, after getting fired from your shitty 9-5 job, finding a spider in your bathroom, or before a pedestrian baby shower.

For the classier bitch who picks wine:

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This choice is far too classy to make you seem like an alcoholic. You can have it at any time of the day, with any meal, and it only heightens your reputation for expensive taste. Hell, it may even get you so tipsy that you throw in a fake Italian accent, just for kicks.

Best taken: After watching a chick flick alone, at an awful family dinner, when you find out your friend is banging the hot guy you called dibs on, or when you want to pretend to be European.

The ultimate classy bitch will always pick champagne:

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The best place to get your bubbly will always be brunch. Bitches love brunch. And champagne. And looking like a million bucks while acting like a complete imbecile. The girl who chooses champagne is usually dealing with a guy-related problem. But champagne can easily be her boyfriend for the night if she holds her flute close to her side, or the entire bottle if she’s really feeling sad and her favorite Tiësto song happens to come on.

Best taken: This is usually the best beverage for a post break-up, finding out your ex is getting married, or trying to forget about your tremendous amount of school loans.

When life throws us girls curve balls, sometimes “finding a friend to talk to” just doesn’t cut it. But a glass of your favorite alcoholic drink sure will.

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