PSA: LinkedIn Is Not a Dating Site

Social media is a creeper’s best friend. Instead of approaching an unassuming girl on the street with “sit on my face?” you can hide behind the screen of your computer with your dick in your hand and endlessly swipe through girls on tinder. 

Because us girls can barely leave our house without being catcalled, we now have the pleasure of being harassed on nearly every form of social media. Whether you’re dodging a Facebook message from some kid from your high school, or ignoring comments from random Chinese men on your Instagram photo, it seems that as an owner of a vagina, you can’t avoid lewd comments.

Yet, no matter how accustomed you can get to construction workers hollering or “hotchickshoutouts123” commenting on your selfie again, it seems that dudes are always finding new ways to try to get laid.

Case in point? I got creeped on via LinkedIn today.

Here I am, a hopeful college student, praying that my LinkedIn will eventually lead to a job that doesn’t force me to shop at Forever 21 all my life. As I begrudgingly pay two dollars for a water and sit down to eat my lunch, I see that I have a new request on LinkedIn.

I know LinkedIn has advised its users to not to accept connections that we don’t actually know, but c’mon, I am desperate for a job once I graduate college this year. What if the random that adds me happens to have connections to my dream career?

After skeptically accepting the connection from a British realtor, I immediately receive a message:

Hi Ashley, 

I just saw your profile on Happn and I was keen to get in touch as you are stunning! I live in London– Chelsea. Can I call you to have a chat? What is the phone number I can call you on?

Regards,

Joseph

Okay, Joseph, I appreciate you being cordial and not being too creepy (Because sadly stalking me on LinkedIn isn’t deemed too creepy by today’s standards), but are you aware how dating apps work? The whole point of apps like Tinder and Happn is that you have to match somebody to be able to message them. If I wanted to sift through messages from every horny guy under the sun, I would be on OkCupid.

Granted, maybe we’re just soul mates and you couldn’t leave our future up to chance. Who knows if I would have ever sorted through the dudes on Happn and “liked” your profile? But… isn’t that the point of soul mates?! That you’re “destiny” and that you’ll find a way to each other albeit the strange circumstances?

Regardless, Joseph, the only reason I want you messaging me on LinkedIn is if you have a job to offer me. Maybe you can pay me to date you? After checking my bank account this morning, I might consider it.

Until then, don’t shit where you eat.

Gimme More Sex + Dating

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