POP QUIZ: What’s Your Sexy Summer Persona?
Ahh, it was a brutal journey, but summer is finally upon us! And while all seasons have their individually fun dating nuances—like spring flings or winter cuddle buddies—summertime is undeniably the most exciting time when it comes to new romance. It’s hot out, you’re day drinking, usually half-dressed with that glow of moist heat rippling off your skin, attracting all types of enticing creatures with those fresh pheromones; a sexual free-for-all, if you will.
But naturally, not all women are on the same page when it comes to summer trysts—while some are ravenous, boy-hungry maniacs, out every night in search of the good D, others are like human embodiments of Grumpy Cat, frowning at bikini selfies and praising science for the invention of vibrators. Or maybe you’re a nice mélange of both—in any case, take the quiz and find out which sexy summer persona you lean towards most!
1. It’s the first hot, gorgeous, rooftop-tanning kind of day of summer, and you’re anxious to get out in the streets with your flirtiest outfit to attract some skins—when it comes to choosing the ideal summer look, you go for:
A. The shortest pair of poom-pooms you own (to show of all them squats, duh) paired with a simple (but chicly slutty) little top—perhaps one of those all-the-rage lace-up numbers that squeezes your titties together like butcher’s twine.
B. A plain little sundress that may or may not flash a peek of your silky La Perla’s with every twirl or gust of wind; sunhat optional for that intriguing air of European arrogance.
C. What the fuck does a flirty outfit look like? Do basketball shorts count?
2. Later that evening, you happen to find yourself at a party with a plethora of hot men to choose from (ha, when has that ever happened?) — who do you end up giving your number to?
A. The hot club promoter who kept comping you drinks all night and tried to finger you on the dance floor. (Fuck it, free bottle service right?)
B. The mysterious older foreign gentleman who promised to buy you an island five minutes after meeting.
C. The dude outside the club who couldn’t get in because he wasn’t dressed properly, so you drunkenly commiserate over how shitty bouncers are together.
3. Whether you indulge openly or not, in life one-night-stands are generally inevitable. If you had to dream up the perfect one-night-stand scenario, how would it go down?
A. A long, romantic dinner centered around some vintage bottle of French, with lots of under-the-table footsie, followed by a drunken excursion for the nearest city pool to get freaky in a la Kids.
B. A one-night-stand would simply negate my manipulative powers—instead I’d almost let him have it, maybe let him eat me out, and then pretend to fall asleep immediately afterwards.
C. Three o’clock after school with Brandon McCarthy.
4. Sexually speaking, what’s the one thing that really gets your juices flowing?
A. The wilder and rougher, the better—that passion of losing all control and just letting someone have their way with me is the highest of the high.
B. Dote on me, obey me, desire me, paint my toenails—for me it’s the power balance that’s so titillating. Like a dominatrix in eyelet lace.
C. Tough guys with razorblade facades and teddy bear interiors.
5. Out of nowhere, your new fling decides to sweep you off your feet for a quick summer getaway—what sounds more appealing?
A. A romantic trip to a chateau in some remote corner of Southern France, where you can run around naked, flirt with the old pool man, and drink a vineyards worth of rosé.
B. A road trip across America, complete with sightseeing, impromptu shopping (on his dime, of course), and luxury hotels every night. Not afraid to make him sleep on a cot either.
C. I’m not big on the beach and tropics—maybe we could build a fort or clubhouse, listen to music, make out, and talk shit about everyone we hate?
6. Summertime generally calls for some summer grooming—in terms of landscaping down below, what’s your preference?
A. Landing strip all the way.
B. Heart-shaped, like my sunglasses.
C. Chill, legs and armpits are enough to worry about.
7. Speaking of the nether region, what’s the general style we’d come across if we rummaged through your undie drawer?
A. Underwear is just an unnecessary middleman—but I’ve been known to leave a thong or two behind at my victim’s places.
B. Anything silky, lacy, or from Fifi Chachnil; cherry-prints and day-of-the-week panties are preferable.
C. Still rocking the comfy Hanes my mother gave me for Christmas five years ago.
8. What’s your biggest turn-off in a relationship—in other words, the deal breaker?
A. Deny me sex or my attempts at initiating sex, and you’re done. Like I literally might kill you.
B. Being too territorial or controlling of me—I do what I want, when I want, with who I want, you’re just lucky to be along for the ride. Now get me a drink.
C. Being into the pretty, popular girls and all the mainstream bullshit I hate; I’d rather just be alone.
9. With the summer winding down and fall soon approaching, you decide it’s time to break up with your summer sweetheart. How do you tell the poor sap it’s over?
A. Oh don’t worry about him, he’s buried in the yard somewhere.
B. Hurt me to do it (not really), but I had to just let him go and run off with another guy. He was getting to be a bit much.
C. You kind of have to be with someone to break up with them.
10. Last but not least, with the summer finally over—what are those tan-lines looking like?
A. What tan lines?
B. Coppertone girl.
C. Moonlight-pale singed with awkward streaks of red.
If you answered mostly A… | Congrats, you hot, crazy bitch! You’re a total femme fatale. You’re sort of like a younger, more emotionally psychotic version of Samantha—a man-eater who makes meals of men, then discards them when they can’t continue to meet your sexual and cerebral needs. If you’ve ever thought about murdering a dude who made a fool of your erotic advances, then you should have quite a lot in common with “Julie” (Ludivine Sagnier) from Swimming Pool.
If you answered mostly B… | Lo-lee-ta! Even if you aren’t a minor, you can certainly still have all those amazingly manipulative Lolita attributes. Choosing to be cold and calculated rather than sappy and heartbroken, you always have the upper hand because you make the rules. While some girls are crying over fuck boys or writing lame lover letters, you’re sprawled out on the lawn, listening to the radio and breaking hearts with a simple glimpse from behind your Moschino glasses.
If you answered mostly C… | Hey, we’ve all felt like a [Dawn] Weiner-Dog at some point in our lives, and summer can be an annoying time for a lot of the more anti-social girls. That was me allll through school—a big, sweaty loser cloaked in a giant black hoodie while all the others broads were gallivanting on the beach in swimsuits. If you’re still feeling plagued with “winter body” or just don’t have the patience to give a fuck—no worries. There’s always next year, Hitachi Magic Wands, and Disney Camp!