Post Sex Beauty Tips, Because We Know You Need Them


You know the mornings you wake up and have no clue where you are? Yeah, that usually means you just had sex. There is a split second between opening your eyes and looking at the (hopefully) hot man sleeping next to you when you think you’re awesome. Unfortunately, Beyonce is lying to world and nobody wakes up hot. I’m not even talking about your physical appearance, we all know a pretty girl doesn’t magically become an ogre with each new day. I’m talking about the overall state of your disgusting morning hygiene.

Chances are, if you spent the night with a random dude, you probably didn’t shower post doinking him. So not only do you have weird fluids in strange places, but you don’t have a f***ing toothbrush. You can finger brush all you want, IT WILL NOT MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER. Lucky for you, it gets worse. While in the bathroom you begin to realize men don’t have face lotion, they have sunscreen. AKA: Your smeared eye makeup is in no way coming off. To add insult to injury, his face wash just made you smell like a real man and he does not have a hair brush. LIFE IS SO HARD.

There are ways to help yourself though, and I’m not talking about a one night stand emergency kit. I’m talking about pre date beauty preparation that will simply save you from your repulsive self. Most of us know when we are trying to have sex. You say in your mind you won’t do it, but you end up getting a bikini wax two hours before your date. Girls are horny bitches, it’s just how it goes. Perhaps I’m about to give you hygiene tips that you feel every human being should automatically do, but you are nasty and you know it. Like I promised, here are 4 ways to avoid being gross:

GO WATERPROOF. Opt for waterproof makeup on your big adventure! Try Noir Cosmetics Longwear Liner and Cover Girl Full Lash Bloom Mascara. Oh, and do not wear dark eye makeup (especially on a first date). You may be like, girl duh. But I bet you didn’t think of waterproof deodorant, DID YOU?

VASELINE IS BAE. It’s not always easy to keep a spare set of clothes in your purse, but it is easy to keep a travel sized Vaseline in your bag. You can use it to take off your makeup, add a dewey glow to your morning skin, and even refresh those no longer kissable dry lips.

ASK FOR LEMON IN YOUR WATER AT DINNER. Your dinner date is preparation time my dears. Citrus keeps for breath fresh! When he uses the restroom, eat the shit out of your lemon! I mean, you could always keep Altoids in your bag too, but it’s kind of fun acting ridiculous on a first date.

ALWAYS DO A PONY TAIL HOLDER CHECK. Before you leave for the day, you should always make sure you have a rubber band on your wrist. He won’t be staring at your jewelry on the first few dates anyway, but in the morning he will definitely be staring at that greasy mop you call hair. You lose some, YOU WIN SOME!

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