Nicky Paris’ 10 New Years Resolutions That You Should Actually Keep

Every New Years, I brace myself for the chicks with long Facebook statuses about “New Year, New Me,” my friends on their juice cleanse diets, and having to fight through the suddenly crowded gym. While I try not to blend in with these basics, I can’t help but wanting to make little promises to myself about how 2015 is going to be great. So this year, I decided to turn to Nicky Paris, one of my favorite comedians, for some New Years resolutions that I can actually realistically make- and keep. Needless to say, he did not disappoint. Check out his tips below:


1. Eat As Healthy As You Can (Because Life Is Short)
If you’re like me, you gained some weight in 2014, but let’s focus on the positive: if I was ever to get kidnapped now no one would be able to throw me in the back of their minivan. Aim to eat and be healthier in 2015, but be realistic. Am I saying eat kale chips and tree bark? No, I’m saying eat and be more health conscience and be smart because you’re not a goddamn pigeon. I wish I was that person who ate nuts and oats and hummus but I’m the person that eats pizza and fifteen tacos and then cries about it after. You can get hit a truck tomorrow. Do you want to go out knowing your last meal was wheatgrass shake? Of course not. Dieting is all about patience and care so don’t starve yourself! You don’t know horror until you piss of a girl who hasn’t eaten since in 7 hours.


2. Be Smart With Your Fun(ds)
Everyone loves to spend money and treat themselves, even if it’s beyond their needs. I’m infamous for spending like Daddy Warbucks with an orphan Annie budget. You work to make an honest living (hopefully) so enjoy it! Being good with money is all about balance. My mom always told me control money, or money will control you. Clearly we have a modern day Maya Angelou on our hands. If you do save up all your money, what are you saving it up for? A house? A car? Your grandkids who never want to call you for your birthday? Think again. Whatever income you have coming in, put a little bit of it away. You never know what will happen tomorrow. Maybe you will need that money for a circumstantial unprecedented event or a one-day-only sale on botox.


3. Be More Appreciative for What You Have
Most of us like to focus on what we don’t have rather than what we do have. I want a 6 pack and an apricot ass but what I tend to forget is that I have an incredible and flawless personality. What have you been overlooking? Maybe you don’t have a hot body, bugati, or a maserati but you have the best friends anyone can ever ask for. Lighten up, true friends will be happy to drive around with you in a Toyota Coralla and appreciate that you now give warmer hugs when you gain some weight. Be more appreciative this year for the things you forget you have. If you have a house, food and a bed to sleep in, maybe having bacne isn’t so bad.


4. Stop Worrying (Wrinkles Are Forever)

Stop worrying. Worrying causes wrinkles and wrinkles causes “ugly.” We all waste so much time and thought worrying about tomorrow that we miss today. Whatever happens, happens and you can’t change it. You never know what tomorrow will bring and we just have to accept it. You could meet the love of your life. Or maybe a huge bird will take a shit on your head. There’s a chance you could win the lottery. Or maybe you’ll get hit by a bus like Regina George. You just never know. For many, the future and unknown is a scary thing. It worries us that in a year or even in a few months, we have absolutely no idea where we will be. If you’re a man, however, there’s a pretty good chance it will be in Taylor Swift’s vagina.


5. Keep It In Your Pants

As a member of the “hookup generation” aka the generation with a rash, I am begging you to keep it in your pants in 2015. A lot of millenials have the skewed perception that love comes from hooking up. Do you really think the guy that takes you home to shag after 4 Apple-Tinis at Red Robin is the same guy who will be your happily ever after? Wrong again and you need to re-watch Cinderella. Seek relationships in 2015 that earn a spot in your heart, not in your G-spot. If you’re going to be a whore, be a responsible whore: LISTEN TO ME. It’s all fun and games until something starts to itch and burn. GET CHECKED OUT not only for yourself but for the poor person you’re going to wrap your legs around and vice versa. There’s a big difference between experimenting, and trying every single person on the football team, including the mascot and the poor staff working the concession stand. Take it down a notch in 2015. Or 20.


6. Try and Be A Little Less Obsessed With Yourself
Your selfie has over 100 likes! I bet you can’t wait to put that in your admission essay for Harvard. Hate to be the bearer of bad news, but your “hit” selfie in your 8 by 10 lime green bathroom is a lot like winning that competitive game of Mario Kart. It equates to nothing! Our culture has become very fixated on “me me me” and it gives us a false perception of how loved we truly are. Let’s try and remember some important facts in 2015. On instagram, I look like Marilyn Monroe. In person, I look like Marilyn Manson. Instagram publicizes our ideal “self.” The self that we like we to portray but not always who we really are. Best comparison? Opening up a porcelain toilet and finding a steaming shadoobie with remains of last night’s corn.


7. Be Forgiving
It’s easy to hold grudges when people let you down and don’t act as you hoped they would have. For example, I’m still bitter that the only person who voted for me as “Best Looking” in my high school yearbook was me. Be forgiving and remember that everyone in life is fighting their own battle, even if we can’t see it. Be compassionate and “let it go.” If someone hurts you, take it for what it is and learn your lesson for next time. Always remember, you never know what someone is dealing with in their life in terms of sickness or home life, maybe they were born with a 3rd titty.


8. Stop Looking For Love, Love Will Find You

There are two types of people in this world: People who are looking for love and find it and people who are looking for love and find the bottom of the Chex Mix bag. If you’re like me, you’ve been desperately searching for love at every bar, every app and everywhere you could possibly look and it has bought me to go on dates with people who could easily qualify for the next edition of “Ripley’s Believe It or Not.” If you’ve seen the shit I’ve seen, you wouldn’t want to believe it either. Stop looking for love because true love can’t be forced. Or at least that’s what I keep telling myself. It’s true that when the right person comes along, you’ll know it. In the meantime, I’ll be sitting here waiting covered in cobwebs.


9. Be A Better Person
There is so many crazy things happening in this world everyday that we desperately need all the good in the world we can get. Am I saying put on your spandex catsuit and go fight off crime? No, because I would never recommend doing any physical labor that could potentially lead to breaking a nail. Duh. It doesn’t take much to be a better person: pay it forward and pay for the person’s breakfast at the McDonald’s drive thru or don’t litter for a day. Or even better, help an elderly woman cross the street: Bruce Jenner.


10. Leave 2015 A Better You
If you can’t pick one new year’s resolution that you think you can tackle, an easy one that appeals to all of us is to make sure you leave 2015 a better you than you started with. While that can mean anything from shedding 15 pounds, stop drinking so much and or stop talking loud at the movies, be the change you want to see in yourself. This is your year, if you let it be! Stop making out with your cat and make the first step to a better you. You know, the kind of you that Zac Efron would feel up in the back row of the movies.


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