This Insane Tween Trump Support Anthem Is Going to Be Stuck in Your Head Forever
Just when you thought the Donald Trump presidential campaign couldn’t get any scarier, the “Freedom Kids” have arrived.
Armed with matching dance recital costumes, sick beats, and terrible lip-synching skills, three tiny Republicans-in-training performed a song in tribute to their hopeful future führer in Pensacola, Florida (where else?), last night.
The resultant performance is a post-modern frenzy of blind jingoism, no doubt spurred by the girls’ manic stage moms. Take a look before we dissect this masterpiece:
Now, where do we start?
Aesthetically, this song is clearly influenced by the seminal 1970s German techno band Kraftwerk. Just listen to those synth-y sounds and monotonous vocal tones!
In terms of wardrobe, the girls have taken a page from the original “American Girl,” Molly McIntire. Having lived through World War II, Molly was part of the greatest generation. The same cannot be said for anyone who comes of age in a time when Donald Trump could be president.
As far as their stage personas go, the vibe we’re getting is a mix between Makenzie from “Toddlers and Tiaras” and Gia Giudice from “Real Housewives of New Jersey.”
Not to mention, maaaaajor “Drop Dead Gorgeous” vibes. There’s almost no chance the Freedom Kids won’t grow up to be homicidal beauty queens. Amer–I-Can!, right?
Finally, let’s take a closer look at those lyrics. They might sound like they came straight from Bob Dylan or Lennon & McCartney at first listen. But in actuality, I’m pretty sure the Freedom Kids penned this particular jam by throwing all the lyrics of every other song about America up in the air and then reciting them however they landed:
Cowardice — are you serious?
Apologies for freedom, I can’t handle this
When freedom rings, answer the call
On your feet, stand up tall
Freedom’s on our shoulders, USA
Enemies of freedom face the music
Come on boys, take ’em down
President Donald Trump knows how to Make America Great
Deal from strength or get crushed every time
Over here USA, over there USA
Freedom and liberty everywhere
Oh say can you see it’s not so easy
But we have to stand up tall and answer freedom’s call
We’re the land of the free and the home of the brave, USA
The stars and stripes are flying
Let’s celebrate our freedom
Inspire proudly freedom to the world
American pride, it’s attitude, it’s who we are, stand up tall
We’re the red white and blue [n.b.: emphasis on the white]
Fiercely proud, that too.
Our colors don’t run no sirree.
Almost makes you wish you lived in North Korea. At least they actually sing and play instruments at their dictatorial talent shows!