If They Don’t Read, Don’t F*** ‘Em: A Guide to Men And Their Books

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I’ve seen this John Waters quote posted to Instagram roughly 1,000 times now. I get it. I like when people read too. What people don’t talk about is which books specifically you should reading in order to really lock it up. It’s kind of like how every guy claims Pulp Fiction is his favorite movie—there are just certain books that all dudes like to read, and more importantly, are consistently impressed by. Read the guy, not the book—once you get to know his type, you can figure out which one of these to purchase, carry around with you, and bust out when you’re ready to get it in.

1. Ender’s Game – Orson Scott Card

For some reason, every single male in the world is obsessed with this book, having read it when they were like, 11. I’m not exactly sure what the appeal is, but I do think it’s kind of cute when they talk about it with such incredible fervor. Personally, I feel that if we’re talking about science fiction, why not just watch Minority Report and call it a day?

2. Franny and Zoey – J.D. Salinger

This book recommendation is the cool-girl alternative to Catcher in the Rye—perfect for impressing the boy who says shit like, “I just don’t think music today is what it used to be!”. He’ll probably drop casually misogynistic comments about female celebrities—“How can Kim Kardashian pose naked on a magazine cover when she’s a mom?!”—and own a Polaroid camera.

3. The Alchemist – Paulo Coehlo

I honestly haven’t read this. It’s some random book that’s always on the “Best-Selling Paperbacks” table at Barnes and Nobles. I read the blurb on the back and felt I got all the information I needed. Generally, decently attractive guys who are vaguely interested in meditation love this book. Show off your dog-eared copy and invite him to a Bikram class.

4. Fight Club – Chuck Palahniuk 

You know this one. This one is great because you’ve already seen the movie, he’s already seen the movie and everybody loves young Brad. Set up a date to re-watch together, drink loads of beer, and then claim to like the book better than the movie. Be sure to say that all books are better than their respective film interpretations—that’s just the kind of literary girl you are!

5. Scar Tissue – Anthony Kiedis

This is a book to know if you’re f***ing a guy two or more years younger than you—you two can discuss your favorite Chili Peppers era, whether you’d rather be in the Beatles or the Rolling Stones, and how sick it is to get blow jobs on stage.

6. Lolita – Vladimir Nabokov

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Aside from being creepy, these dudes are pretentious, and usually employ a texting style that includes periods at the end of every message. They’re all like, “Hey.” and are totally unaware that “hey” is not a complete sentence. Phone etiquette aside, they’re also usually alcoholics. Bring up Vlad Nabokov while you two are wine-wasted together—you’ll be hungover in the morning, but he’ll definitely have a boner.

7. Electric Kool Aid Acid Test – Tom Wolfe

This one is for the potheads. Show him this book and begin a rant about how tripping acid is a really unique experience nobody can ever put into words—and it’s really all about the environment you’re tripping in! For extra points, frequently inject Timothy Leary’s name into conversation, and then claim “Enter the Void” is one of your top three favorite movies.

8. Any David Foster Wallace book 

If you, at any point, discover that DFW is your man’s favorite author, kick him to the curb immediately. Seriously, it’s in your best interest to avoid whiny pseudo-intellectuals. One time, an asshole came into my home, took a look at my copy of Infinite Jest, scoffed at me, and said: “Everyone I know who has read this book has notes written on like, every page. You’ve never read it.” It’s true. Nobody should read it, much less sleep with someone who has.


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