I Don’t Understand Wine

I think someone told me once that Chardonnay is sweeter and Sauvignon Blanc is not as sweet. This is the only information I have when choosing wine. I started buying wine probably about 8 years ago and in that time I don’t think I’ve bought a bottle over $10, which is A) embarrasing B) smart C) not an interesting fact.

Enjoying wine is not the problem, the problem is when I go to bar or restaurant and the waiter/bartender asks “which kind of wine do you want?” I get frustrated, (which is embarrassing) and just want to scream THE ONE THAT GETS ME THE DRUNKEST THE FASTEST DUH. Alcohol is about getting from point A to point B, and whether it be Italian grapes, french grapes or californian grapes I couldn’t give a shit just give me any.

Obviously I cannot operate like that in a public place, some of my friends are a little more sensitive when it comes to behaving in a certain way in public, so I try (really hard) to respect that and answer the waiters question with “errr…the cheapest is fine,” which is the best you’ll get. That’s literally my compromise, trust, you’d rather I sounded cheap than like fully-fledged alcoholic, so take it.

I don’t think people who are knowledgeable about wine are annoying, actually it’s sort of respectable, or I think I just love people who are passionate about alcohol. Dude, I would love to go to vineyard. My favorite part of Parent Trap (Lindsay Lohan version, obvs) is when they’re in Napa, so purty. So yes, I appreciate wine.

When a waiter/bartender pours a little bit of wine in your glass to taste, it makes me want to laugh so hard. I again want to yell, I’M NOT A PUSSY FILL UP MY GLASS IT ALL TASTES THE SAME. Actually, what makes me laugh harder is the person I’m with who takes the “wine-tasting” really seriously, “yah yah this is fine” or “no no that’s too sweet”, it’s like COME ON, you cannot possibly care that much.

I am of course priding myself on how laid back I am, (even though I dream of yelling at waiters), it’s an awesome feeling not caring about something someone really gives a shit about. I care about reality TV in a way that people are relieved they don’t, so therefore I’m allowed to revel in the relief and happiness of not understanding el vino.


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