“I CANNOT With Madonna Anymore”

Rula Al-Nasrawi is a Columbia Graduate whose writing has appeared in ViceThe Atlantic, and other online publications. Her first language is valley girl. Californian bred, NYC residing. @RulaOfTheWorld

Alright. We need to talk about Madonna real quick. She is actually starting to really embarrass herself, and if anyone she knows truly cares about her, they will take the necessary steps to get Madonna a ticket out of Crazy Town. Until she finally realizes she’s a 55 year old mom who’s making half the world cringe, let me give you a rundown of all of the mortifying things Madge has done so far, excluding her heinous fake British accent among other things:

Molly

Ok, this one is a bit of a throwback but I had to do it. This was one of my most noticeable face-palm Madonna moments; when she released an album and titled it “M.D.N.A.” Help. She also came out at Ultra Music Festival screaming “HOW MANY PEOPLE IN THIS CROWD HAVE SEEN MOLLY?” like a crazy banshee. Madonna we get it. You were around for the 90s rave culture come up. You were also there for the Summer of Love in 1967 and possibly even the Gettysburg Address. But please stop trying to be “with it” by referencing MDMA, it makes us all feel awkward, mom.

The Grill

I’m sorry. Did I miss something? Why the hell is Madonna sporting a grill these days, and how is her family ok with this? If this was my mother I would literally change my name and move to a gypsy community in Spain, never to be seen again. To make it worse when asked about it at the Grammys, she casually said “Yeah, I’m grillin’. It pisses everybody off when I wear my grill so that’s why I wear it.” Madonna. I need you to understand that you are no longer pissing people off with your provocativeness, you’re pissing people off because you are the embarrassing mother from hell who’s walking around in a suit and GRILL. It looks like you have rusted Juicy Fruit gum all up in your teeth. Also “GRLLIN’”???? Enough.

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Miley Cyrus

First it was Britney, then Nicki and MIA, and now it’s Miley. Madonna and her new bestie were photographed having a blast the other night performing at an MTV Unplugged session with their tongues hanging out like a sedated Gene Simmons. Why does Madonna insist on hanging out with twenty-year olds no matter what stage she’s at in life? The woman refuses to hang out with someone within a 30 year radius of her age. What is so embarrassing about spending time with other 55 year olds Madonna? I’ll tell you what’s embarrassing: Madonna getting SPANKED by Miley Cyrus on national television, as if anyone is turned on by that. Also the sheer fact that these two think they share some sort of comradery makes laugh but also cry because now I finally know that the apocalypse is upon us.

Calling Her Son The N Word

This is more than just a face-palm Madonna moment for me. This is a Madonna please sit down and never stand back up moment for SURE. The other day, Madonna instagrammed a photo of her 13 year old son Rocco during a boxing lesson with the following caption: “No one messes with Dirty Soap! Mama said knock you out! #disni–a” She quickly followed up with an apology saying “It was not meant as a racial slur…I am not a racist.” Oh really Madonna? You’re not? Are you saying that because your son Rocco is white and so the derogatory term doesn’t actually apply to him? Well that would just classify you as an idiot, then. Seriously wish I had a black hole handy that I could push Madonna, Taylor Swift, and a couple of other useless individuals into right about now.

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Madonna, Madge, whatever your name is, please for all of our sakes if you insist on not joining the PTA and wearing fanny packs year-round like the other moms, can you at least stop throwing racial slurs around, befriending your children’s classmates, and dressing like Will.I.Am? I’m calling my mother first thing tomorrow and thanking her for making us wear those hideous matching tiger t-shirts when I was 12, for only having friends over 45, and for still cringing at the phrase “shut up.” Thanks, Mom. Turns out you were right about there being more embarrassing moms than you after all.

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