How Your Man Can Make His Semen Taste Better
There is nothing more repulsive than giving a man a blowjob and finding out he has the funkiest spunk, saltiest semen, etc. Just the thought alone makes me want to gag. But it’s okay! We’ve got your back by giving a few pointers on how you can help your man resolve this issue. Because let’s face it, they can’t even make their own sandwich, how the hell are they going to fix their own awful tasting semen?
1. Drink A Sh*t Ton Of Water
We know water is the solution for almost everything in life, but especially for helping your mans spunk. I’m not saying to turn this into a wet t-shirt contest and hose him down while he’s asleep, but he needs at least 8-10 glasses of water a day.
Tips: Tell him he looks dehydrated as f*ck. Buy the largest size water bottle at your deli and make a bet with him to finish it. Go out for lunch to a place that doesn’t serve alcohol. Turn off your air conditioner when he visits you, say it’s broken, throw him a water bottle.
2. Avoid Dairy And Red Meats
Well this is going to be a true f*cking test of power, ladies. We all know very well that most of our men love meat. Whether it’s on us or on their plate. But red meat is said to make his semen taste saltier. But if you can push your man towards fish more, then you’re in luck.
Tips: Go to more seafood restaurants. Suggest fishing. Throw out the red meat in his fridge and say it’s expired. Maybe just try dating a f*cking vegetarian for a bit.
3. Get Rid Of His Morning Coffee
Dude, coffee isn’t even cool anymore. And it’s going to make for a bad brew. Aka your man will taste bitter as hell. Like a black pot of coffee that has been left in the office lounge since Friday and it’s now Monday.
Tips: Throw out all of his coffee beans. Suggest those healthy juice things. Tell him his teeth are starting to get stained. Offer him a Red Bull instead. Say crack again. No, I’m kidding, don’t offer your man crack.
4. Alcohol, Cigarettes, Illegal Drugs
Well you can just say goodbye to your dreams of dating a DJ or Charlie Sheen. And you’ll probably have to move out of NYC or LA. But of course these things are bad for the body in general and they also contribute to your man squirting out the funkiest sh*t.
Tips: Try to make a bargain with him- if he drinks less, you will too. Plus drinking just results in excessive calories. Tell your man he needs to shape up a bit and that beer belly is the first to go. But offer to do squats in front of him as he lifts. You know, motivation. Or just join an AA meeting to find a boy.
5. Hide This Sh*t From Him:
6. Push This Sh*t Towards Him:
Wheatgrass (not like this a f*cking common thing, definitely not in my cabinet, but go out and buy some)
Cranberries (not cranberry juice though, unless he’s on his period)
Anyway, here’s to hoping the next night with your man doesn’t suck! And if it does- well I hope it at least tastes good.