How To Successfully Masturbate On Your Family Vacation
The best thing about family vacations? Free food (and hopefully free everything).
The worst things? Your whining little sister, your dad’s horrible jokes, your grandma incessantly asking if you have a boyfriend; and the fact that you have absolutely no alone time!
Everyone needs a little bit of alone time, whether you realize it or not. This zen can perhaps be achieved when you decide to go on a solo jog before dinner time, when you take a nap on the secluded part of the beach, or when you put on your noise canceling head phones for as long as possible.
The most excruciating part of your family together-ness on your vacation? There is absolutely no time (or place) to relieve your sexual frustrations. Luckily, we’ve got you covered.
Utilize the Shower
If you can masturbate in the shower, this is definitely your best bet. No one is really going to wonder what you’re doing in there for so long, just tell them you’re shaving your legs. If you’re lucky enough to stay somewhere with a retractable shower head, you can actually be glad your parents picked a five star hotel. If you need privacy, plan your showers around times when your family is doing silly activities like feeding sharks or doing their morning work-out. (warning: not all vibrators are water proof, please don’t send yourself to the E.R, or worse, break your vibrator).
We know, we know, your rabbit is so good you don’t even need real boys anymore, it’s amazing. You know what wouldn’t be amazing? You eating Special K at the breakfast table and seeing your 8 year old cousin running around with your rabbit as if it’s his new action figure… If you’re traveling with little kids, they’re likely to go through your sh*t and find your sex toy pretty interesting. If you’re going through any type of airport security, you run the same risks. Even if you’re lucky to not have either of these circumstances, it still might be kind of tough to hide a big dildo when staying in such close proximity to your family. Although your fingers are not quite as magical as your 3-speed vibrator, they’re just going to have to do the trick.
Keep Your Mind Out of the Gutter
This is so much easier said then done, I know, but try your best! Keep your mind occupied with a book (not a dirty one), or a movie (no porn) when on long flights, because these seem to be the times where it’s easy to start thinking about sex instead… If you can, actually try to pay attention to the lame bus-tours your parents are making you go on instead of checking out the cute French guy selling baguettes on the corner.
Or Find Someone Who’s On The Same Page
So, you’ve failed to utilize any of the above tips, and are still desperately wanting sex. What to do? If you’re adventurous (and/or desperate), find someone who’s equally as sexually frustrated as you (preferably one who is also stuck on vacation with his fam). You two can play like 12 year olds and meet each other at the hotel pool after dinner and make out (or you know, f*ck behind a bush in the courtyard). The possibilities are endless!