10 Ways to Fake a Perfect Life at Your High School Reunion
Your high school reunion is the pivotal point in your life that indicates two things: you’re getting old AF, and you’re supposed to have your shit together by now.
But you don’t have to pull a Romy and Michelle and claim that you’ve been crazy busy inventing the Post-It since high school. Instead, jot down these notes on key ways to make it seem like you’re winning life ASAP. We all know you want to show off the best version of your kick-ass adult self.
1. Show up with a significant other.
Attending your reunion with a boyfriend, girlfriend, or even better, fiancé is one of the quickest ways to show that you’re moving forward with your life. It’s also one of the quickest ways to show your childhood crush what they missed out on. What if you don’t already have a boyfriend? “I’ll pay you to be my pretend bf at my high school reunion” is as good a Tinder pickup line as any.
2. Get your hair and nails done.
It can’t be stressed enough that getting your hair and nails done is everything when it comes to looking super put together. While you’re at it, throw in a new outfit to completely slay your classmates.
3. Have long-term high school friends around that can vouch for you.
Few things support the foundation of your life sentiments more than having friends around to confirm them to others. It will be hard for others to dispute your BFF status with Rihanna with more than one person agreeing to its validity. If none of your long-term friends are going to your high school reunion, don’t go. It will be so sad. Save yourself.
4. Discuss a dope adventure you recently went on.
Recently go skydiving, or visit the Great Wall of China? Yeah, you bet you did, and they should know about it.
5. Lightly brag about some of the benefits your job offers.
It doesn’t hurt to brag about the fact that your job provides beer to you and your co-workers every Friday, or free Uber rides after 7 p.m. Go on and gloat, you work hard for the money.
6. Have opinions about upscale grocery stores.
Shopping at Trader Joe’s or Whole Foods Market is not only habit-forming, but also help you to stand out among your peers as someone with exquisite taste. Move over, Barefoot Contessa.
7. Upgrade your phone.
You won’t impress anyone with a dinosaur of a phone to take down their numbers with. No, it doesn’t matter that it’s an iPhone.
8. Know your wine varieties.
Possessing a refined palate for wine is one of the best ways to illustrate grown-up sophistication. Have a few favorite brands and varieties on hand to show your classmates that you know about more than just Yellowtail Sangria. Or just fake it.
9. Be familiar with trending current events.
It would be helpful when engaging in awkward “catch up” conversations to be fluent in some of the most talked about stories of the week. These stories can also take the heat off you when you’re in need of a little breather from the latest round of grilling.
10. Lament about the struggles of living on your own in the real world.
Being an adult pretty much sucks sometimes but regardless, it’s pretty impressive to stand on your own two feet. Complaining about how expensive your fabulous new apartment is, or how many times you had to call up your cleaning lady this week, definitely makes you seem like an actual adult who faces actual adult mini-crises.
Just because it’s a rite of passage to attend your high school reunion doesn’t mean that it has to be all bad. It is important to note that part of being a grown-up means that you can leave whenever you’re totally over it — or an hour in, whichever comes first.