How to Get Discretely Drunk At Your Family’s Christmas Party

Ah, the holidays! A lovely period to spend some quality time with your family, eat as much free food as you can stomach, and try to get as many gifts involving cash as possible. However, what our families don’t always understand about us is that we are actually more pleasant people when we are drunk. If your family is one of those cool families taking body shots off of Santa Claus on Christmas Eve- that’s awesome. However, my family, although they “drink,” they don’t really drink, at least, not on the level of a frat star like me and my sisters do. Luckily, we have cracked the system and I would like to share with you our favorite ways to get shit-faced with the family- without them noticing.

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1. Take a shot every time someone asks if you have a boyfriend

If you’re a chick, and your relatives are anything like mine, this will get you hammered in no time. Simply take a shot every time anybody asks about your relationship status. Variations include: “so… how are the boys?” “Who’s your boyfriend that you aren’t telling your parents about?” and ” Do you still talk to ______ (insert boyfriend from 9th grade’s name here)?”

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2. Offer to refill everyone’s glasses

By pretending to be the good grand-daughter/niece/etc, you can hide the fact that you are spending most of the night by the bar. Your family members will think that you’re being the best host ever, when in reality you’re taking the opportunity to refill your own glass as well. The bonus is that by re-filling your relative’s glasses, they will get drunker and less apt to notice your lack of sobriety.

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3. Don’t stay in one place too long

By staying on your feet, you won’t make the mistake of drinking too much while seated and promptly getting up and crashing into the Christmas tree. You will also consequently have easy access to the bar during your running around, and you will also have the chance to converse with so many party guests that no one will be able to keep count of how many drinks you’ve had.

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4. EAT

If your Christmas dinner is anything like mine, there will be plenty of delicious appetizers roaming around as well as a huge dinner. Don’t get so preoccupied in your wine that you get a little too tipsy or, god forbid, miss out on all the great food! These drunk munchies will be WAY better than your usual 99 cent pizza.

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5. Let your presence be a present

As long as you maintain these rules and your composure, I can assure you that your family is going to be grateful and surprised at how sociable and talkative you are this Christmas. They don’t need to know that you may or may not have single-handedly the whole pitcher of egg-nog…

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