10 Horror Stories About Hooking Up With Conservatives

When we imagine hooking up with a conservative, we imagine someone either wildly misogynistic or wildly vanilla — but also slightly alluring in a Christian Grey kind of way? Like Bradley Cooper in “Wedding Crashers” — you don’t want to find him hot, but his blind confidence and all-American good looks can’t be ignored. Until he says something batshit and you have to break up.

Sorry if that sounds confusing, but conservative dudes aren’t really our type here at Galore. With this being an election year, though, we figured we should get to know as much as we can about politics inside and outside the bedroom… so we asked you guys.

Of course, all Democrats and Republicans aren’t the same and there are plenty of normal, relatively sane conservatives in the world. But crazy conservatives are a special breed of nutcase, which make for some ridiculous stories. For better or for worse, here are the stories we gathered of people who have hooked up with someone more conservative than themselves.

1. One Less Lonely Trump Supporter

Straight girl: “I had been hooking up with a guy for about three weeks, and one day after sex I opened my phone to find a headline about Trump on Facebook. I couldn’t help myself from muttering out loud what a shitty person Trump was, to which my hook-up replied that he was planning to vote for Trump. When I asked why, he said he supported the refugees being kept out which is something I strongly disagree with. When I tried to probe him about it, he wasn’t really making sense. Then he brought up how he likes how Trump speaks his mind and isn’t politically correct. In turn, I said that he must like how racist and sexist he is. The guy realized that he was obviously in over his head and started saying he didn’t want to talk politics. He continued to tell me that it is ‘so hot’ when girls have a political opinion and can back up what they’re saying. I was so turned off that I rolled over and fell asleep and then ignored him for a couple weeks and hooked up with someone else. I later realized that I missed the sex, so I went back to him thinking I could ignore his bogus political opinions. I couldn’t, so we actually talk politics a lot, and I have helped him see the other point of view. Long story short, he is no longer voting for Trump. I like to think that I am solely the reason there is one less Donald Trump supporter in the world.”

2. Too Square for Wes Anderson

Straight guy: “My ex thought the kids’ relationship in Moonrise Kingdom was ‘too scandalous’ for someone their age.” 

3. The “Perfect” Man

Straight girl: “This guy I met last year was seemingly the best guy ever. He was such a gentleman, we start hooking up and I was like, ‘OMG I found the one.’ He stops me and he goes, ‘I need to tell you something.’ I’m like, ‘oh my god, do you have herpes?’ And he’s like, ‘I’m saving myself.’ I asked, ‘for God or the one?’ He said ‘God,’ so I left.”

4. Real Mature…

Gay guy: “Someone I was dating — a guy — used to boo loudly when we drove past a Planned Parenthood. I was 17 and he was 19 and very closeted. He’s a teacher now. Yeesh.”

5. Holy Tits

Straight girl: “He told me everyone should save it for marriage, and as soon as he saw my boobs he changed his mind and we had sex. I repeatedly called him out on his hypocrisy, but he didn’t seem to understand.”

6. Patriotism Won’t Get You Laid

Straight girl: “I was nearly black-out drunk in high school at this kid’s house party and ended up in his room making out with him. I soon realized that we were laying on American Flag printed sheets, and that he had a Bush poster over his bed. I have spent part of my life living in Colombia, and I remember him muttering something like, ‘Thank God you were born here.’ I wasn’t sure if that was supposed to be sweet or insulting, so I put my shirt back on and left.”

7. A Real Conversationalist

Straight girl: “I went out with a guy who was on Fox Business once and wouldn’t stop bringing it up throughout the date. He then proceeded to mansplain Twitter to me.”

8. Wedding Critic

Straight girl: “I dated a conservative and because of his views, I was always trying to shush him. He always would tweet at Fox News anchors. We had a truly terrible relationship. Once I took him to my friends’ wedding. The couple was a black guy and an Indian girl. The only specific thing I can remember about the wedding was that he said to me the next morning that he’s never seen so many rich minorities before.”

9. Fight the Power

Straight girl: “One of my old roommates dated a guy who created a pro-Chick-Fil-A Facebook page to ‘fight back’ against people on our campus boycotting Chick-Fil-A for the owner’s homophobic remarks. The page got one like, which was from my roommate/his girlfriend.”

10. … And Then She Said the N-Word

Straight guy who considers himself conservative:  “I dated a hyper-religious born again nutcase. We effectively broke up because in 2008, I told her I was voting for Obama because I didn’t like McCain and Palin. Her words to me when I told her this in September, and I fucking quote: ‘I cannot be with someone who would vote for a baby killing n*****.’ That’s when I called it off. So here I am, the registered Republican, fiscal conservative who would jerk off to a picture of Ronald Reagan, being told I’m some monster because I put civil liberties first. And this is a girl who was snorting pills and blowing guys behind my back telling me this. I did ask her what she meant by ‘baby killer’ and she said, ‘Obama wants to legalize vacuum-sucking of fetuses from mothers at Planned Parenthood,’ a.k.a. partial birth abortion. So I looked up his stance and I think he actually voted against funding clinics that supported that, so it just made absolutely zero sense.”

Graphic by Mi Gerer

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