Awww, Hitler Had a Tiny Dick
In news that will surprise no one who’s dealt with a cranky and baby-dicked dude before, it turns out Adolf Hitler was working with some teeny tiny bait-and-tackle.
A new book about the genocidal dictator reveals that Hitler had a birth defect that caused tiny-dick-itis.
“Hitler himself is believed to have had two forms of genital abnormality: an undescended testicle and a rare condition called penile hypospadius in which the urethra opens on the underside of the penis,” according to “Hitler’s Last Day: Minute by Minute,” as reported in the New York Post.
(Do yourself a favor and don’t Google image “penile hypospadius” unless you want to learn the meanings of puke-inducing genital vocab words like “meatus” and “chordee.”)
This means that in addition to probably having a micro-penis, Hitler probably had to pee sitting down. Plus, as noted above, he only had one testicle, which is actually old news.
Clearly this didn’t sit well with the führer, who not only mistreated women but also channeled his dick anxiety into a years-long grope for world domination. Kind of like how Napoleon Bonaparte made up for his shortness by trying to dominate all of Europe.
Does this mean every psychotic dictator is trying to overcompensate for his lack of finesse in the bedroom? It’s unclear. We couldn’t find any deets on Napoleon’s dick size, sadly. The hung-ness of Benito Mussolini, Chairman Mao, Kim Jong Il, and Muammar Gaddafi all remain a mystery, too. Same with Donald Trump — Marla Maples, if you’re reading this, hit us up!
But we’d put money on these guys having some sort of dick discrepancy that they wanted to overcome.
This isn’t to say that guys with penile issues are always assholes — far from it. In fact, when a normal guy knows his family jewels are lacking, he’ll take it as an opportunity to bone up on other bedroom skills.
But if you’ve ever dated a guy who’s insecure about something dick-related and can’t get over it, you know: it can permeate every aspect of his personality. Girls maybe be stereotyped as sensitive and insecure, but dudes really take it to a new level when they are experiencing any kind of self-loathing. It’s called toxic masculinity and it hurts everyone.
It’s the guys who allow their sexual flaws fuck with their heads that end up becoming psychos. Dudes have a special way of turning their own insecurities into matters of national security.
After all, when’s the last time a girl tried to start a war or went on a shooting spree because no one would have sex with her? I rest my case.