Here’s Some Light Reading About Orgasms For The Weekend
In case you’ve already scrolled through Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and even LinkedIn; we’ve got the boredom buster for you. It’s a Tumblr, and it’s called ‘How To Make Me Come.” No, it’s not porn, and no it’s not a literal guide how to make someone cum. It’s actually a compilation of essays from women just like you about their sexual experiences, and it’s kind of addicting.
The blog began when the anonymous founder (who goes by ‘Sylvia’), had an experience that left her “thinking obsessively about female orgasm and communication.” After ranting to a friend, she decided that she wasn’t done talking about it, and she decided to start the blog. She sent out an email asking for anonymous contributions, and as you can see, most females were all too happy to oblige.
As a female, you can probably relate to the majority of the posts (or wonder what the hell they were thinking). As a dude, you can probably learn a textbook’s worth of orgasm advice (have your man take notes). While some posts are sexy stories, others are concerns, and some are just plain hilarious. We highlighted some of our favorite excepts below. Check out the blog for more, or dare we say… contribute?
#78 “KISSING ME WILL MAKE ME FEEL LIKE I AM MORE THAN A VAGINA (WHICH I AM).”
1) Let me know how much you want to get with me. But don’t act on it. Tell me, but don’t touch me. I have to come to you. And I will come to you if I want it enough. But first I have to battle myself, over and over, to get to that point where I accept that I want it and I am brave enough to do it. If I feel like I am being forced into something, I will run and hide forever. Tell me via text, tell me by whispering into my ear in public, tell me with your eyes. It doesn’t matter how, but just tell me and then leave it. I will probably want to rip your clothes off at the next opportunity.
2) Help me stay relaxed. I will be anxious at this point; a messy mix of bad past experiences and possible future ones, too, all running around my brain. I will be actively trying to calm myself down and relaxing my muscles as we’re making out, but you will need to help me by not throwing any crazy curveballs and by being relaxed and confident, yourself.
3) Kiss me lots. Kissing tends to be the first thing to go when someone is more worried about their dick than the shared experience. Kissing me will make me feel like I am more than a vagina (which I am) and will make me really wet (which will help both of us later on, trust me). Again, try not to throw any weird kissing curveballs as it’ll throw me off and I’ll start stressing about what’s in store.
4) The more you seem into all my curves, the better. Me being self-conscious is the quickest route to me seizing up. My boobs are the least sensitive bit of my body, but you touching them and kissing them shows me you’re ready for this jelly and I’m not going to care about what they look like without my bra on.
5) If you go down on me, keep your tongue soft-ish. Pointy tongue + clit = pain. If you go down on me, I like being able to kiss you right afterwards. I want to smell and taste me, via you.
6) Don’t change position loads of times to fulfill some porn fantasy you have. If it feels good for both of us, let’s keep doing it. Don’t interrupt the flow. I will tell you when you’re onto a good one.
7) Don’t make me do all the work! I like being on top sometimes, but it’s way easier for guys to thrust than for me to go up and down on your dick, so help me out when I’m getting tired. Also, it feels way better for me when you’re on top, so this is the best way to make me come.
8) I get really horny on my period and period orgasms are often the best because there’s already so much engorgement and tension in that whole area. Plus, free lubrication. If you can deal with period sex, you are my hero. Call me. We can share a shower afterwards.
Finally: don’t bring my butthole into this. You’re not going in, end of story, stop asking me. If I am really turned on and really close to orgasm, it can feel good for you to run a finger round the entrance, but DO NOT ENTER. Nothing makes me feel less sexy than the introduction of shit or anything shit-related.
#75 “YOU HAD TO HOLD DOWN MY PELVIS OR MY CARELESS THRUSTS COULD’VE KNOCKED A TOOTH OUT.”
But with a lot of trial and too much error, I decided men had no idea how to go down on women. Let’s face it, I’ve worked with real experts. Women know women better. It’s a fact I always accepted. It’s like taking your vintage car to the dealership vs. the local mechanic. Sure, you’re going to get up-charged, but they know your brand the best.
When men would try to go down on me, I would stop them at the thought. “No, no…it’s ok… just stick it in,” I’d tell them, unwilling to waste my time faking another orgasm to prevent a fractured ego. Ok, I was a little more polite than that, with a baby thrown in for good measure. “But I love doing it,” a lover said once. I rolled my eyes, secretly wondering if I could get away with reading the news on my phone at the same time he was drowning in his own drool.
Giving the direction “fingers inside me with clitoral stimulation” seemed to cause as much confusion as telling him to look behind something to find the milk. I half expected him to stand at the foot of the bed like I was a refrigerator with the door open and gaze at me in endless confusion at this foreign concept. This was not “walk and chew gum”, this was a another thing far more complicated. I thought, I can speak “bro”. I was a lesbian, for Christ’s sake. “Have you ever driven a stick shift?”
#74 “IF YOU’RE SEEING A GUY AND ALL OF A SUDDEN, SEX JUST DOESN’T FEEL GOOD THE WAY IT USED TO, MAYBE IT’S BECAUSE YOUR VAGINA HAS HAD ENOUGH. LISTEN TO THAT THING BECAUSE IT’S USUALLY ALWAYS RIGHT.”
I ended up breaking up with him for a lot of reasons, but this recurring incident was definitely one of them. How could I stay with someone who basically thought of me as a blow-up doll whenever one of my orifices was out of service? We weren’t even together that long, but towards the end of our relationship, the sex with him literally hurt. We’d have to stop because I was in pain and I couldn’t figure out why. I eventually realized my vagina was literally rejecting him. It was saying, “Fuck you, I don’t like you.” If you’re seeing a guy and all of a sudden, sex just doesn’t feel good the way it used to, maybe it’s because your vagina has had enough. Listen to that thing because it’s usually always right.
I give lots of fucks about the pleasure my partner has during sex, but some guys think that making it to the half-way point when a girl moans a couple of times is somehow a home run. What’s going on in a guy’s head when he’s deemed his work has been done down there? Is there a coach in his head yelling, “YOU DID IT, KID! YOU MADE HER MOAN A FEW TIMES! THAT’S AN ORGASM ACCORDING TO OUR STANDARDS! SHE’S ALL SET! VICTORY IS OURS! NOW GET BACK TO POUND TOWN AND FINISH IT OFF ALREADY! IT’S BED TIME!” Dude, you don’t get a pat on the back because you licked your girl’s vagina the way a cat cleans itself.
How To Eat A Girl Out
Step 1: Make your way south of the border. You may guide this path with small kisses from her neck down to her pelvic region.
Step 2: You’re at the vagina! You made it! Boy, what a trip.
TIP: DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH HER WHILE YOU’RE DOWN THERE. YOU WILL TURN INTO STONE. Just kidding, eye contact is fine. It’s an intense move, but depending on who you’re down on, it could be very creepy or very hot. You feel it out.
Step 2 continued: Before you pucker up, try some sensual kissing up and down her inner thighs. Not totally necessary, but I’m just saying she probably wouldn’tnot be into that. Now get in there. Don’t tip toe around it— go in and find that clitoris. In case you’re unsure of what that is, it’s that thing that feels like a bean on the top of the vertical roast beef sandwich.
TIP: That bean isn’t just any bean. That’s a fucking magical bean. If you know what you’re doing (which you should have a good or better idea of by the end of reading this), you can make a girl convulse with pleasure like a demon is being exorcised out of her. Start off this exorcism right by DJing (using your fingers to rub the clitoris) and then stuffing your face in between her thighs.
Step 3: Use your tongue to lick the magical bean. Lick it up, down, and all around, but remain focused on the pressure of your tongue on the clitoris. The receiver wants to feel something going on down there. It’s kind of like a hard tonguing you do to get something that’s stuck in your teeth in the back of your mouth. Play with the shape of your tongue on the clitoris and mix it up.
(Steps 4 and 5 are interchangeable)
Step 4: Ask if she likes it. Not only does this add a good intro to dirty talk, but also, not all vaginas are created equal. Vaginas come in all shapes, sizes, colors, makes, models, etc. so you’re going to run into some different preferences. More pressure or a certain tonguing may be better for one girl versus another. If you’re already passing this with flying colors (in which case, bravo, sir, bravo), asking how she likes it is a 100% turn on anyway.
Step 5: The same way you’d like to have your balls played with during a blow job, you should stimulate other parts of her while you’re lapping it up like a dog drinking water. Run your fingers down her thighs, grab her hips, or reach for her boobies and massage those guys because they need some love, too. There are of plenty of options. Put some fingers in her cheese box. Lots of multi-tasking can be done in this position, but remain concentrated on that clitoris.
Step 6: Back to switching it up. The clitoris is very sensitive and if you play with it too hard for too long, you’re not going to get anywhere. Throw some light kisses on that magic bean.
Step 7: The beauty of multiple orgasms is that you can have BILLIONS OF THEM. Well, no, not billions, but a lot. Like, a lot. Let me walk you through how a female orgasm feels. It’s like taking the first slice of pizza from the cheesiest pie and watching the gooey cheese stretch like a waterfall. It’s like unicorns eating ice cream and galloping around the rings of Saturn. It’s like bacon. It’s an intense and concentrated feeling that no girl wants just one of. So if or when she orgasms, don’t dust off your hands and move on—give her another. You got that engine purring, so, you know, insert other vehicle related metaphor. Amirite?!
Step 8: Give some time between orgasms. I have no science to back this up, like all of the other scientific evidence I’ve provided, but it’s easier to achieve another orgasm with a short resting period. I mean, don’t check your phone or anything, but maybe throw in some of those soft kisses. Just give that magic bean a breather for a few seconds and then get back in the game, champ. Sports references!
Step 9: At some point, you two can agree when to move on to boning or Netflix or however you people choose to continue your time, but that’s none of my business.
Step 10: High five. Eating a girl out is not complete without a high five.