Why He Needs To Come With A MAN-ual


There are two different types of guys. There are the ones who talk to you and you only and there are the ones who talk to all girls, at every hour, any day of the week. Essentially they’re attention whores. They need to feel wanted and feed off of conversations with multiple girls.

But my friends consistently tell me that I need to date nice boys and stop going for the assholes. But my response is how the f*ck do I do this when assholes have mastered the art of disguise?

The sweet childhood friend could be just as awful as the frat bro you met in the bar last week. There are literally no MAN-uals for this game.

And I can give you the perfect example. Take my “good” friend Michael*. Because as Ron Swanson says, “When people get a little too chummy with me I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don’t really care about them.”

I met him a few years ago and we had a thing for a bit and then it fizzled then came back then went out then it ended then we rekindled. Basically a roller coaster of emotions and confusion with no definitive ending or beginning.


Recently we’ve been back on though. I think. I mean who the f*ck really knows anymore. Everyone takes advantage of not being officially together for as long as they possibly can. So while you think you’re seeing someone, he’s actually seeing 3 other girls on the low. Or maybe right after your date. Or in the morning. Again, who the f*ck really knows anymore.

And I hate to be the b*tch. I honestly do. But there are some slip ups that can not be left unnoticed. Like the slip up from Michael*.

We hung out this past weekend and he was even cool enough to invite my best friend to tag along. We had some drinks, Ubered around Brooklyn, did dinner, and when the night came to a close he even Ubered my bestie back to the city.

And as much as he tried and wanted to, we didn’t hook-up. But I did wake up at his place in a state of panic because I didn’t have my laptop on me and a laptop is quite essential when your job is to write and be online.


Don’t worry though. Michael* saved the day by lending me one of his laptops to take to work. So kind. So nice. Such a great dude. He’s actually the best.

Until I logged into my gmail. Or actually, it signed into her gmail.

And I don’t snoop, but it’s pretty hard not to when you’re in another email account and one of the first email subjects says, “Michael* hangout“. If I didn’t click it then I’d be the dumb housewife who refuses to look at red flags and believes that ignorance is bliss.

But I say ignorance is pathetic. So I opened it.


Immediately I was flooded with information that I wish I didn’t see.

“I love you :)”

“You sleep better when you sleep overrrrr”

“I don’t want to casually date, I like being in a relationship with you”

“When are we hanging out? :(”

“Road trips aren’t fun without you”

I could keep going, but I had to close his thread or else I would allow myself to catch some feelings and maybe drop a few waterworks. And as girls we can know that once you have applied your makeup, crying is out of the question. Especially if your eyeliner game is on point. And it’s so on point today.


But the best part: I still have his laptop.

And I’m open to any and all ideas for the most creative way to return it.

Gimme More Sex + Dating

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