How to Get Out of Shitty Situations Using James Comey Testimony
Former FBI Director James Comey testified in a hearing today all about Trump, Russia, and Comey’s own firing.
Everyone on Twitter was raptly watching the live stream and attempting to crack jokes about Comey’s verbiage. But the thing is, he’s kinda got a way with words and even his vague non-answers sounded pretty damn good.
It left us leaving inspired, tbh. And we couldn’t help but notice a few key phrases that can totally be used in other sketchy situations.
Here, we’ve laid out our faves, and highlighted some situations that could totally be fixed with quotes from Comey.
1. When you screenshot someone’s stupid text and accidentally send it right back to them
In Mean Girls, the ultimate gossip faux-pas was accidentally adding the friend you were talking shit on to the three-way call. Nowadays, it’s sending the screen shots of a convo to a friend you were just about to diss right back to that friend. Awk. Or, maybe a screenshot of a guy’s dumb flirtation skills back to the guy. Although that’s not as detrimental, cuz you can just ghost him.
Either way, try responding with this zinger, which will make your screenshotting seem smart instead of petty:
“I knew there might come a day when I would need a record of what happened.”
2. When you wake up on Saturday morning at a rando’s house and are praying there’s an explanation on your Snapchat Story
The majority of us don’t get our wires tapped (or, not that we know of), but we do have handy dandy Snapchat to fill in the blanks for those nights we don’t remember.
When your friend asks WTF happened to you last night, or you honestly need to ask yourself, just use this:
“Lordy, I hope there are tapes.”
3. When your bestie accuses you of hooking up with her brother after you asked him to tutor you
What is it with guys lying about hooking up with girls, when the girl will clearly hear the rumor and shut it down? Every time you have to hang out with a guy platonically, you always prepare yourself for the rumor mill afterwards, because you’re preventative like that.
Just use Comey’s one-liner:
“I was honestly concerned that he might lie about the nature of our meeting.”
4. When your parents ask you what you did this weekend
Yikes. Do you make up blatant lies and say you volunteered at a soup kitchen and cleaned your apartment? No, you’d get caught. Instead, just dodge the question like this:
“Not a question I can answer in open settings” is my new go to
— Spencer Pratt (@spencerpratt) June 8, 2017
5. When your new fuck buddy asks you what you think of his mixtape
Again, lying is bad! You don’t want to lie and tell him yes, because then he’ll start promoting it and telling his friends you thought it rocked. Instead, say this:
“difficult to answer in the abstract” I LOVE THAT QUOTE!!! LET’S USE IT DURING FASHION MONTH
— bryanboy (@bryanboy) June 8, 2017
6. When you’re trying to convince your boss you requested a day off two weeks ago but they won’t believe you and you have no receipts
Ugh, this is why receipts are so important. But maybe if you convince your boss that you have the receipts then she’ll take your word and not ask for them?
“I think I documented all our interactions, but I know I documented at least most of them.”