Get Him While He’s Hot: Judging Men And Their Coffee
There are two things I hate being burned by: guys and coffee.
And although we’re told not to judge a book by it’s cover, there is definitely one thing I will judge a man by. And that is the coffee in his hands. Because finding another coffee addict could turn out significantly beneficial for both parties. And if things start to brew up, it could end up hot and steamy.
The Bodega Man
Convenience is the name of the game for this fellow. He’s close with the people who work at his neighborhood bodega and he probably knows all their names as well. But it’s close to where he lives and not only can he pick up his morning coffee, but he can grab some condoms, candy, and toilet paper for later.
Where To Spot Him: Lower East Side before hopping on his bike and starting his commute to work, Sitting on the bench outside his bodega and checking out girls under his sunglasses, Smoking a cigarette as he casually walks through Midtown and gives money to homeless people
The Espresso Junkie
I once dated a guy who was obsessed with espresso shots. He had his own machine at home, snacked on chocolate covered espresso beans, and if I was able to meet up with him during the day then we usually went to a coffee shop or espresso bar. These men are far too busy to take a second to chill. You know the kids you see running around in public looking frantic as hell and their mom or dad are wishing they had a kid leash for them? That’s an espresso junkie. Except throw the kid in a suit and the parent is his girlfriend.
Where To Spot Him: Stepping out of his Uber on Wall Street, Walking to his firm on the Upper East Side wearing his favorite pair of Ray Bans and Brooks Brothers suit, Brewing from home in his Tribeca loft
The All Black Everything
This man could careless. With anything. He’s not a fancy dude at all. He just needs his fix in the morning and isn’t interested in all the little details to make an extra delicious cup of coffee. Give it to him straight and he’s satisfied.
Where To Spot Him: Walking out of Starbucks with his beanie and satchel across his chest, About to hop on the 6 train while blasting Bon Iver on his headphones, Pouring more coffee into his Power Rangers mug at his office job in Times Square
The Coffee Snob
How the hell do you not know the difference between beans or where your shit is brewed? Don’t worry, he does. And he’ll tell you. Almost like those people who remind you that they read all the novels before it was a movie. You don’t really care and you’re very much aware of the fact that they know their shit, but they’ll keep telling you regardless.
Where To Spot Him: On the Upper West Side complaining that his coffee order was messed up, catching a cab while sipping on his own home made brew, at Whole Foods spending an hour in the coffee section and annoying the shit out of the employees
The Tea Man
This man has only had two cups of coffee in his entire life and it left absolutely no affect or impression on him. Which is why he fell in love with tea after his ex-girlfriend introduced him to it. He finds it extremely relaxing and will usually listen to Death Cab For Cutie as he makes it at home in the morning. He’ll add a lemon or honey if he feels like making it sweet. And if he’s from across the pond then chances are he’ll only add milk.
Where To Spot Him: Reading Catcher In The Rye on the L train, Holding his tea as he Instagrams some street art, Stroking his beard as he walks through Soho and puts his hair in a bun