How to Get a F*ckboy to Like You
People use some pretty awkward search terms to find their way to Galore.
And according to Google Analytics, at least one person over the past few weeks Googled “how to get a fuckboy to like you” and found their way to Galore as a result, even though we’ve never written anything about that.
Since we love to give the readers what they want, and we don’t want your Google search to disappoint you, we decided to construct this handy guide to winning the heart of your local fuckboy. It’s actually easier than you think.
1. Always Accept His Booty Calls
You’re probably accustomed to approaching booty call texts with caution. But if you want a fuckboy to like you, you’re going to have to be ready for ass at all times. Got a 9 a.m. exam tomorrow? Too bad, your fuckboy is out getting drunk and wants some booty when he gets home at 2:30. Having a girls’ night in with your friends? Not anymore. Better slather on some lip gloss and go accommodate his whiskey dick. If you want a fuckboy to like you, you’d better be ready for lovin’ at all hours of the night (and the morning).
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2. Blindly Agree With Everything He Says
Forget your feminist values and anti-Trump sentiments. In fact, just forget all of your personal opinions while trying to woo a fuckboy. Talking about shit is such a buzzkill. If you want a fuckboy to like you, save all your mental heavy-lifting for school or work. While you’re with him, try switching your brain to the “off” position and he’ll like you way more.
3. Become Comfortable With The Idea of Polygamy
Don’t get hung up with the idea of being his “only one,” because he’s going to have lots of “ones.” Polygamy works fine in the animal kingdom, after all. It’s just as natural as those $10 organic kale juices he loves to mock you for buying. Monogamy is for losers! Take your dating cues from chimpanzees instead and get used to your guy having several girlfriends. Plus, if you can train yourself to pretend those other girls don’t exist, maybe you’ll become his favorite 😉
4. Realize That Chivalry Is Dead
Manners are so old-fashioned. The cool thing about your fuckboy is that he’s so forward-thinking, he won’t even try to stop you when you try to pay for dinner, drinks, and virtually everything the two of you ever do together. As an added bonus, he’s not going to open the door for you, he’s not going to surprise you with gifts, and he’s certainly not going to take you home to meet his parents. This is 2016, and your fuckboy is totally hip to the gender equality scene. If you do complain about him not paying for anything or never buying you flowers, get ready for him to scoff, “I thought you were a feminist.”
5. Always Have a Backup
Fuckboys are completely unreliable. Whether you invite him to a Netflix and chill session or your sorority date party, he’s destined to forget at the last minute, get too high, or simply find a better option. Always have at least one (or two) backup options for any important event. One cool side effect of this practice: being so self-absorbed that you think your backup dates should drop everything and escort you when you get ditched basically makes you a fuckgirl. That means you and your fuckboy will have something to talk about <3 <3 <3
6. Get On Birth Control Immediately
Fuckboys are allergic to condoms. Not to mention they’re pretty sure their dicks are just “too big” to cram inside a Trojan. Get on the pill and get tested once a week or so, because he plans on raw-dogging it and nothing’s going to stop him. Also start socking away about 20% of each paycheck now, because if he gets you pregnant he’s certainly not sticking around. What do children and abortions have in common? They cost money — and your fuckboy isn’t going to help out with either one.
7. Use Snapchat Over Text
Words are so 2015. Snapchat is a fuckboy’s favorite way to communicate because he gets to show off his selfie-face while simultaneously hoping that you’ll send a tit pic. A fuckboy doesn’t need more than 100 characters to talk to you, and he doesn’t want you to send him more than 100 characters either. Your fuckboy also knows that Snapchat won’t tell you if you’ve been group-texted, thus saving you the humiliation of knowing you’re just one of five or more girls he’s trying to bang that night. He’s so thoughtful that way.
8. Ignore Him in Public and Be Cool With Him Ignoring You
Unless you’re running up to him and grabbing his dick, a fuckboy doesn’t want you giving him PDA in front of his boys (or in front of anyone for that matter). If you make the mistake of touching any part of his body that’s not his junk in public, get ready for him to visibly recoil and maybe even loudly groan. He might even say something profound like, “Ew, holding hands is so gay!” To make sure you don’t slip up, it’s a good idea to stay away from him in all public areas, unless he’s signaled his approval by grabbing your ass or pulling you into the bathroom for a quickie.
9. Know That if You Don’t “Respect Yourself,” He Won’t Respect You
“You have to give respect to get it” is the preferred motto of any sociopathic monster who’s looking for an excuse to mistreat women. As soon as you hear a guy start talking like this, understand he is an unsalvageable fuckboy who can’t experience love. When a fuckboy starts talking “self-respect” garbage, what he’s really saying is that he looks down on you for being with him, so you should be accustomed to being treated like shit.
But you’re better than that and you know it. As Maya Angelou once told Oprah in the 90s, when someone shows you who you are, you should believe them. So understand that when a guy starts exhibiting fuckboy qualities by making you abide by his warped idea of relationship rules, there’s no getting him to like you — he doesn’t even like himself. It’s time to head for the hills.