The First Time I…Literally Crashed Into My Hook-Up On Christmas

Just because it’s the holidays, doesn’t mean hoes stop being hoe (ho ho)s, if you will. One Christmas in particular, I was completely smitten over this dude I had been talking to. He was in a band, of course, much much older than me, and was always on tour, therefore unavailable and unattainable. He clearly only had one interest in me but naivety and the merry of cuffing season had to be clouding my brain when he came back into town briefly for Christmas. Either that or the mere thought of this guy decking my halls had me absolutely looney.

Being the charmer that he is, he texted me on Christmas Day telling me I had to meet him at a Christmas party he was at. I didn’t think twice about accepting this invitation, despite the fact that it was pouring rain and it was Christmas Day, a day solely meant for keeping your once holy self inside the house wrapped up near the fireplace in a onesie and fuzzy socks. Given my parents had taken a month long vacation to the Philippines and I was spending Christmas by my lonesome, I decided to set off into the rain in my ancient Mustang. My mistletoe awaited me.

Driving through the fog and impossible sheet of rain, I was completely lost in the thought of even seeing this guy after all this time. It didn’t help that I was also trying to map directions to the place that he was at (this was before the California cell phone law was a thing) and, being totally distracted by the thought of the D, I smashed head first into the back of a huge Excursion. Both of us slammed on our breaks, and the couple gets out of their front seat, I’m sure to give it to me good, and not in the way I’d been imagining.

I apologized relentlessly, genuinely mortified and still in a state of shock from the impact. The husband was much more understanding than his pregnant wife, who replied to my pleas in broken English, “Sorry’s not going to fix it!” Before I could tell this bitch to calm herself, her husband told her to get back in their safari-sized SUV, and proceeded to give me information on a good auto shop that I could take my now obliterated vehicle. My Mustang was, for lack of a better word, fucked. The front exterior was destroyed, my bumper completely hanging off the car and dragging onto the road, while their vehicle looked like it suffered something short of playful ass smacking, ironically, the one I was hoping to get.

I muttered “Merry Christmas” as they sped off, and debated whether this was the ultimate sign that I should turn right back around and leave this douchebag to another hoe, as I now had bigger stockings to fill. I turned the key to see if the car would even run, and when it hummed loyally, I began to recall my initial mission. I wasn’t about to let a (literal) bumper in the road stop me from getting mine, and I took my nearly-totalled ass to the freeway.

The bumper was dragging so loud on the road I could barely hear the sounds of on-coming traffic. The fact that sparks weren’t flying at the windshield is beyond me. Anyone seeing the sight of me driving this peice of shit had to be thinking, “This girl is definitely going to get some dick right now.” I texted the guy letting him know that I had gotten into a car accident but, not to fret, I was almost there. He was both concerned for my well-being (how sweet) and shocked that I was still even going to the party. He clearly didn’t know what hoe he was talking to.

I made it to the party, barely, proceeded to get completely wasted, and we boned as precedented. At the end of the day, I still got mine although I didn’t get my car fixed until a month later. I didn’t hear much from this dude after the holidays, but hey, I think it’s safe to say I made the naughty list that year.

Story courtesy of Brittany Bush. 

There’s a first time for everything, and I don’t just mean your “first time.” Of course, there’s vital, “right of passage” first times that everyone must encounter at some point, for example, moving to a new place, getting your heartbroken, and making your first humiliating, drunk decision. Yet first times are imperative to the better (or often, identical) mistakes we’ll make later, and teach us the lessons that we’ll continue to not learn from. Every week, we’re going to be telling real first time stories from real girls, and that includes everything from celebrity house parties to Instagram marriage proposals.

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