Why Feeling Desired Isn’t Enough for Good Sex

Everyone wants to feel hot in bed.

But feeling desired on its own isn’t enough for good sex. In fact, if that’s the only thing you’re getting out of it, you might feel pretty bummed out or used after the deed is done.

In a recent conversation with sex and relationship therapist Laurie Watson, we learned that this is totally normal — and that you can fix it. It all boils down to whether sex leaves you feeling satisfied or just desired.

Basically, if the only thing you’re getting out of sex is the validation that comes with knowing someone wants to bang you, then the good feelings that result aren’t going to last very long. In fact, you might even feel used.

“The benefit is her feeling desired for one minute,” Watson said of this type of unsatisfactory sex. “She benefits because she’s feeling desired — not because she’s feeling satisfied.”

If you’ve ever felt this way, it’s totally normal — and you probably know it can seriously affect not just your sexual satisfaction levels, but your ability to orgasm. Luckily, there’s a solution: just tell the guy what you want.

Okay, maybe that’s easier said than done. But if you make sure you’re being assertive and telling the guy what you want, Watson told Galore, things will drastically improve.

“I don’t know any young women that have orgasms unless they’re very assertive and directive,” Watson said.

Telling a guy what you want — no matter what it is — will get him in tune with you and get him to understand that as nice as his naked body might be, that alone isn’t going to get you off or make you feel fulfilled sexually.

Like fishing for compliments, the short-term high of being desired in bed might be something you’ve chased in the past. But telling your partner how to satisfy you is the first step toward getting what you want out of sex, instead of feeling used or disappointed.

And as always, if the person you’re sleeping with doesn’t listen to what you want, kick that fuckboy to the curb.

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