Ed Sheeran Is Newly Single, Here Are 5 Ways To Become His Rebound Babe
Something must be in the water over in Jolly England, because crazy shit is happening on the other side of the pond. Not only has 1D been having dramatic moment after dramatic moment, the Ginger King Ed Sheeran himself has revealed that he is Britian’s newest single pringle. Since some of us have never had the pleasure of mingling and tingling with a red-headed hottie (especially not one with the voice of an angel) this got us thinking, “How can I become his rebound?!” You may scoff at my desire to become a rebound, but it’s literally the best thing ever, because rebound is also code for NO STRINGS ATTATCHED BONING. And no slut shaming allowed, because really, you’re just doing your part to help a down in the dumps sweetie feel better about himself. Here are our 5 Sheeran-specific methods for becoming the ultimate rebound bitch.
1. Bake Him Cookies… Dressed As The Gingerbread Man
Like your grandmamma probably told you, there’s no cure for a broken heart like a sugary snack. The influx of sugar will give him energy for “other” activities, and costume-ing it up will put a smile on his face… or make him run for the hills. On second thought, skip the gingerbread suit, but do make the cookies!
2. Learn how to sing Britney Spears’ Classic –> “Everytime”
In researching for this rebound guide, I learned a shit load about Ed Sheeran’s secret shames. Apparently, his go-to shower soundtrack is classic Britney Spears, so if you’re lucky enough to have sweet vocals of your own, memorize some Britney lyrics and walk down the street singing them at the top of your lungs. Ed will come running, guarenteed.
3. Start Hanging Out In Tea Shops
Bitches love tea, and that includes Ed Sheeran. He loves it so much that he literally has a tattoo of a teacup on his upper arm. Give Starbuxxx a break (it’s overrun with basics now anyway) and start hanging around tea joints. It’s only a matter of time before a heart-broken hipster comes in looking to nurse his sorrows with Earl Grey. When that happens, you’ll be right there to console him.
4. Get Craftsy With It
Take one out of Taylor Swift’s book and make some Drake inspired arts n’ crafts. Seriously, the blonde songstress made this “Started From The Bottom” needlepoint for Ed and he loves it so much it’s up in his house. Alright, obsessively sending gifts might send the wrong message, but wear a Drake tee-shirt anywhere in Ed’s vicinity and he’s sure to think you are one cool cat.
5. Walk Your Cat
Ed Sheeran’s cat is one of my favorite things about him, especially the fact that his cat has it’s own Instagram. If you have your own pussy, maybe take it out for a spin. That way, if Ed sees you he will know you are a kindred spirit with like interests and decide it only makes sense to take you on a date and then bone the shit out of you.