Drake News Of The Week


Every week, we’re bombarded with headlines: Unrest In The Middle East, 5 Ways to Look Better In Your Almost-Birthday Suit, and OMG You Won’t Believe How Teenage Girls Are Still Trying To Master The Kylie Jenner Challenge – but what does any of that have to do with what’s really important in life?  And honestly, what’s really important anymore besides Drizzy Drake, lord of Instagram, warden of Madonna’s mouth, the master of the mix tape, and the saddest boy in all of Canada?  So without further ado, here’s what you missed last week in Drake News:

Tuesday, April 28 


6 days ago, 6 God Champagne Papi started his week off by sending his blessing to OVO Sound artist Future the Prince.  Wishing his friend a “happy 🌎 strong my brother”, Drake then goes on to remind Future the Prince that “only gyal dance.  Nuh guy dance.”  So true, Drizz.  So true.

Wednesday, April 29


One day later, the saddest boy in all of Canada teaches us all a new way to cry.  According to Urban Dictionary, TT is Internet slang for crying.  The tops of the Ts are eyes and the stems are tears streaming down the emoticon’s face – of course, Drake would know this.  So long as his emo-ness is educational, you know?

Thursday, April 30 
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Drake goes out to dinner with his “sister” whose parents obviously wanted their child to be made fun of A LOT in school.

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But then Slaymiah Baemiah Raemiah got uncomfortable about showing so much rack on the Internet, so she got Drake to call up his ex-personal assistant Courtne Smith, and after fifteen minutes Drake’s ex-help showed up with a super casual zip-up just in time to take a picture with the crew.  Only in Canada.

Then, later that night when Drake was home alone, smoking hookah in the bathtub and googling himself, Drake stumbled across the following vine that perfectly encompassed exactly the kind of woes he’s been running through the 6 with:

Friday, May 1 

Overcome with woes post-Vine viewing, Drake took a day off from social media, preferring to be left alone.  Even 6 Gods need Dark Daez sometimes, you feel?


Saturday, May 2 


Charles Oakley is 51 and used to play for the Toronto Raptors, as well as the Chicago Bulls, the New York Knicks, the Washington Wizards, and the Houston Rockets.  Basically, he got passed around more than a freshly packed bong in a room full of college burnouts.  Drake can relate.  Even though he couldn’t literally see himself in this poster of the former power forward, the boy is always powering forward and snapped the picture as a reminder to himself and the world.  That, or he’s just a fan.  I don’t know.  It could go either way.

Sunday, May 3 


Drake opens up a club in Toronto in honor of his late grandparents, Evelyn and Rueben Sher.  Because obviously the best way to honor your late, elderly relatives is to open up a sport’s club, emphasis on the word club.

Until next week, just remember: in times of trouble just ask yourself, WWDDD?  What would Drizzy Drake Do?

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