Drake Spent 7 Days Crying Over Rihanna
There’s nothing like an ex to f*ck your sh*t up. Even when you’re on top of your game, releasing albums to critical and commercial success, curating fancy art shows and treating every selfie like it’s a glamour shot you’re trying to remember your 20s by, all it takes is one text from an ex to send you into an ‘I Miss You So Much Why I Am I Even Alive’ tailspin. Or in Drake’s case, one spectacular appearance at the Met Ball.
If you got feelings in your <3, this week, please say a prayer for our lil lord champagnepapi. Ask the boy’s father to deliver him from evil/temptation/endlessly masturbating to those pictures of Rihanna he told her he didn’t have anymore but obviously still does. It’s been 5 years, Drizzy. It’s time to check out of the heartbreak hotel.
Monday May 5
As soon as he woke up, Drake knew what day it was: Monday May 5 AKA the Met Ball AKA the worst day of the year. See, the Met Ball is like a holiday to Rihanna – from the day the event gets announced, she spends a whole year getting ready for it. Every day when she wakes up her first thought is, only [insert number of days here] until my next Met. It’s actually a little weird. Anyway, while they were dating, Drake dreamed of the day she’d finally invite him to be her plus one, and even though it’s been years since they called it quits, whenever the Met Ball rolls around, Drake gets a nasty case of the ex. But this year, he was determined to stay strong, so he did what any self-respecting man would do: he crawled into a hole so dark that not even social media could find him. This was gonna be the year he stayed strong.
Tuesday May 6
Famous last words. That morning, Rihanna broke the Internet, just like she broke Drake’s heart. But after scrolling through the hundredth picture of his ex looking flawless, Drake stumbled across this:
His LOLs were heard around the world. Sometimes memes can be medicinal.
Wednesday May 7
Finally, after another hundred viewings of the Rihanna meme, Drake was ready to face the world. So what his ex made the front page of every online publication, he had stuff going on this week too. Rihanna may have killed the Met Ball, but Drake was gonna kill Soethby’s.
Too bad nobody besides a few old, rich white people cared.
Thursday May 8
Feeling up to his usual level of bravado, Drake is all OVER Instagram today, bragging like a boss. He lets
Rihanna the world know that he’s gonna be in a CELEBRITY softball game
That he’s hanging out with a hot DJ named Vashtie
And that’s he’s basically the king of the fine art world now
But every King deserves a Queen, and even though he had Vashtie to look at, it wasn’t long before Drake started acting like a total moody cat.
You know how he goes from 0 to 100 real quick? Well, he can go from 100 to 0 even quicker. Dammit, Riri, why you gotta make Drake be sad and sh*t on his big opening? It was such hard work choosing the most appropriate song to pair with all of those paintings. Drake spent hours on it. Two whole hours. Don’t you know how many selfies he could have taken in two hours?
In an attempt to soothe his soul, Drake stays up all night watching DVDs.
At least he didn’t stay up all night watching porn again. His wrist was still tired from Monday.
Friday May 9
After a late night of DVD watching, Drake takes it easy and spends the afternoon playing basketball in his hotel room
After six hours of that, Drake calls up his two homies with the last name Bent-Lee, and goes hard in the big apple.
But nobody had any fun. What’s a room full of Bent Lees when you only want your girl?
Saturday May 10
Defeated, Drake teases his tour and heads back to Canada. Who needs the love of one girl when you can have the love of a whole stadium, right?
Sunday May 11
Drake spends the day hanging out with his Mom. She always makes him feel better, even when his heart is going broke. He doesn’t call her a tiny hero for nothing.