Drake Was So Busy Emoting He Almost Forgot He’s About To Go On Tour
As you may or may not remember, last week was a rough one for America’s favorite child actor turned 6 God. But you know, even for the most emotional rapper alive, there’s only so long you can spend crying on the bathroom floor before you remember that you’re a superstar, and life is actually pretty awesome. You ain’t got time for this sh-t. Oh, wait, no, really, you ain’t got time for this sh-t because you’re going on tour in a week. You knew you were supposed to be remembering something. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Don’t you hate it when international tours sneak up on you?
Tuesday May 12 – Thursday May 14
The first three days of Drake’s week were a kind of blur. Every morning when he woke up, Drake found himself standing at the edge of a canyon with what seemed like the whole world below him, unsure of how to proceed. Okay, so sure he was really just standing on the edge of a stage in an empty Canadian arena with a microphone in his hand, but like you’ve never used poetic license when describing your day?
What was he doing? Why was he here? Should he be turn back from the edge and make the most of his free time here in Canada, or should he dive headfirst into the abyss that is tour life, never to return again until the summer’s end?
In the end, Drake went for something in the middle. He hung out with his friends and took moody selfies that nobody ended up posting because none of his friends can EVER remember that he only likes pictures taken head on or from his good side. Don’t people know he has an image to maintain? Afterwards Drake punished himself for losing sight on his quest for total rap domination and made himself rehearse for eight hours straight without so much as even a five minutes break to smoke hookah in a bathtub.
Friday May 15
After hours of begging, Future FINALLY agreed to surrender to the lure of #junglelife and open for Drake all summer long. But let’s be honest, what else does Future even have going on with his life since Ciara dumped his cheating ass for greener pastures? Seriously Future, why would you ever cheat on a girl who looks like this
and dances like that?
Saturday May 16
On Saturday, a miracle happened. The UK’s New Look Wireless Festival called: they wanted him to headline not just one but two days of what’s sure to be a historic year of performances. Take that Avicii, Kendrick Lamar, David Guetta and Nicki Minaj. Who’s the king now?
Later, still high on a cloud of ego, endorphins, and Excedrin, Drake makes a shout out to his homie, Jamaican dancehall artist Popcaan. Okay, so it’s really just that Drake thought he looked super cute in dude’s music video, but whatever. A shout out from Drake is still a shout out from Drake, you feel?
Sunday May 17
Again, mostly as a reminder to himself Drake posts a reminder that his Jungle tour is about to kick off. Also, he just wanted to show off his backdrops. If you smoke enough weed, it actually feels like you’re in the jungle for real. #junglelife4ever, man.
Then, without warning, Drake plunges headfirst into an emotional spiral, wondering if
a. He’d actually manage to win a Billboard Music Award or not, and more importantly,
b. Why Taylor Swift didn’t ask him to be in her “Bad Blood” music video. WTF, man?! What did Kendrick Lamar have that he didn’t?! And how could Kendrick just betray him like that? They were supposed to be homies.
After slamming his fist through three separate walls in his house, Drake then calls all of his friends and has them assure him that he’s way cooler than Kendrick Lamar could ever be and that Taylor Swift is just a passing fad. Even though Drake doesn’t believe them, it’s still a welcome distraction from the fact that his hand is probably broken and he’s going to have to call that awful contractor to fix all those holes on Monday. Ugh. This is why you don’t drink and Drake, kids.
Monday May 18
Early Monday morning, Drake gets a reality call. While he was busy crafting Taylor Swift voodoo dolls and writing an incredibly formal e-mail to Spotify asking them to remove every song he ever collaborated with Kendrick Lamar from their service, Drake learned that Chinx Drugz, an up-and-coming Queens rapper was shot and killed in front of a Dunkin Donuts at 4 AM the previous morning, while homie was just minding his own business and chilling in his Porsche.
Being killed is a lot more serious of a problem than not getting asked to be in a Taylor Swift music video. Drake resolves to stop letting his emotions get the best of him and just focus on getting ready for his tour. One week and counting. #JungleLife4Ever
But just for good measure, he deletes Kendrick Lamar from his phone. A betrayal is a betrayal. Everybody knows he’s rap’s biggest fan of Taylor Swift. If anybody had dibs on that remix, it was him.