Do These Aphrodisiacs Really Work?
Aphrodisiacs, also known as things you can ingest that are supposed to rev your proverbial sexual engines. The internet, and folk lore, are crawling with examples of foods that are supposed to make you horny or be better at sex. A common trope seems to be that a lot of supposed aphrodisiacs often look like genatalia– think bananas, oysters… apparently avocados. Curious as to what all this hype was about sexy food, I decided to put some common aphrodisiacs to the test.
This week’s Aphrodisiacs: Garlic and Peppers
Despite its reputation for giving you terrible breath, garlic’s reputation as an aphrodisiac goes back centuries. According to The Internet garlic is “the mother of all aphrodisiacs”. According to Science, garlic is known for its medicinal properties that include improving blood circulation. More blood circulation means more erections, and more erections means… well, presumably for our purposes…more sex. Studies have also shown that garlic stimulates the production of the enzyme nitric oxide synthase, a necessary enzyme needed to have an erection. I’m wondering whether or not this whole garlic helping erections thing also helps for clitoral erections (which we learned were a thing last weekend) but Science seems to remain silent on that front at the moment. Guess I’ll just be testing this myself!
Hot peppers are the next aphrodisiac we’re incorporating into this adventure. Peppers seem to hit all of the requirements for sexy food. For starters, they’re pretty phallic, so I guess it’s supposed to get you thinking about penises while you’re cooking. This recipe (like a lot of recipes) required me to dice jalapenos into little tiny bits though– so if the idea of chopping up something phallic gets you going then we’re on the right track. Peppers are also contain the ingredient capsaiscin which prompts a physiological response that quickens your heart beat and metabolism. It’s also the ingredient that makes peppers “spicy,” so it might make you sweat (apparently sweaty=sexy?). Like garlic, capsaiscin also improves blood circulation so… yay more erections!
What I’m Making With Them: Fresh Salsa
I have to admit, I’m not much of a chef, but I’ll pretty much do anything for the sake of making myself frustratingly horny for entertainment purposes. Fresh salsa is one of the few things I know how to do really well, and more importantly, it goes along with my personal favorite yonic (vagina shaped) food– tacos.
This recipe will serve two (because sex things). If you’re having an orgy, you’ll need to increase the ingredients accordingly.
2 medium sized vine ripe tomatos
1/4 can of tomato paste
1/4 cup of diced vidalia onions
2 diced jalapenos (DO NOT REMOVE SEEDS OF THAT WHITE STUFF)
1/2 cup of fresh cilantro–diced
1 whole lime, juiced
1/4 teaspoon of salt
1 1/2 cloves of garlic, chopped
The method is pretty simple. Stuff all of this yummy goodness into a food processor, or, in my case a vitamix, and blend until you’ve reached your desired consistency. You can add more lime juice or salt according to your tastes. I like serving this with tortilla chips that I warm up in the oven. Also, see how I told you not to remove the white stuff or the seeds in the jalapenos? A lot of recipes do tell you to remove that. BUT DON’T. Doing this will not only take out all the heat and spiciness that you want in your salsa, but it also completely defeats the purpose of ingesting this for sexy time purposes. All the capsaicin in your jalapenos is in that white stuff so you better f*cking eat it.
All this chopping made me really tired and by the time I was done eating I honestly was ready to pass the f*ck out. Another important detail is the fact that my boyfriend currently lives in a different state so being super horny isn’t exactly a productive (er satisfying) endeavor for me. But none the less SOMEONE has to see if this s#!t actually works so….let’s proceed.
Gonna be real, these jalapenos had my mouth burning, and the first thing I did prior to settling in for sexy time with myself was WASH MY HANDS. Without getting into any details, back in the day I used to make salsa and tacos for my ex all the time, and one time he helped me chop the jalapenos. We started to do sex things after dinner. He had not washed his hands. That promptly ended in tears and me sitting in his bathtub yelling “WHEN WILL THE PAIN END” for a good 20 minutes or so.
Anyway back my masturbation sesh. I was pretty skeptical that this stuff was going to work for me since their aphrodisiac qualities seemed to be all about aiding in erections, but what the hell, I crawled into bed took off my underwear and started to play out a few fantasies in my mind. I wanted to do this whole experiment sans porn in an effort to really put the aphrodisiac qualities of these foods to the test. It didn’t take too long to get aroused and I actually did feel like I got wet faster. I did my thing for a whole ten minutes before coming and then called it a night. So did these aphrodisiacs make me feel hornier? Eh…. maybe marginally. My sex drive is pretty sky high to begin with, so I’m not sure how much farther I could go. Then again, maybe I didn’t feel the effects because I don’t have a penis. Hey, at least the salsa was delicious.
Tune in two weeks from now for more Aphrodisiac Test Kitchen, a biweekly series where we test drive aphrodisiacs by incorporating them into delicious recipes.