College Hook-Ups : The Expectation Vs. The Reality
While the idea of education and getting away from your parents was awesome, you can’t pretend you didn’t spend your summer post-graduation dreaming about all the campus hotties you were going to encounter at your college of choice. Unfortunately, most of the “dates” and the boys (note: not men yet) that you come across in college make John Blutarsky look like Prince Charming.
At The Party (When You See Your Crush Walk In):
Expectation: You take a couple shots, then you both casually end up on the dance floor together–and wake up in the same bed.
Reality: You start pounding shots as soon as you see him walk in. Only getting the courage to talk to him once you can barely walk. Best case? You end up throwing yourself at him and you guys hook up, although you hardly remember the next morning. Worst case? You try to say “hi” and end up puking on his shoes…
The Morning After:
Expectation: You wake up entangled in each other, running your hands on each other’s bodies. Soon, you’re making love as the sun comes up while J.Cole’s ‘In The Morning’ plays in the background. After an earth shattering orgasm, he makes you an egg white omelet.
Reality: You wake up alarmed that you have no idea whose poster of Kate Upton is staring back at you. A guy from last night is drooling on the pillow next to you while you puzzle if he lost his hotness overnight. As you contemplate how to make your exit, he starts pushing his morning wood against your backside and starting to paw at your tits. When you do decide to leave, he groggily calls out “Bye Kendra!” Your name is Katie…
At The Club:
Expectation: A Ryan Lochte look-alike slides into the barstool next to you and orders you a drink. He’s a lawyer, personal trainer, and loves to party too. He dances like he should be Enrique’s background dancer and you’re having so much fun getting spun around the dance floor that you don’t even realize your heels are killing you.
Reality: Sub-par looking businessmen invite you and your girls to their table, where they are purchasing endless bottles of Dom and Goose to compensate for their looks. Naturally, you try to slurp down as much alcohol as possible before they realize you’re using them. This leads to you accidentally getting a bit too drunk and somehow ending up in a hotel room with a guy that might be closer to your dad’s age than yours. Luckily (or unluckily) you end up blacking-in right as he’s whipping his dick out… You stumble out of the room and grab the next taxi ASAP.
Going To His Place For a “Smoke Sesh:”
Expectation: You pull together a Coachella worthy outfit and hit the bong like a pro. You get the perfect amount of high and you’re blowing smoke into each other’s mouth’s like a Tumblr couple in no time, leading to some mind blowing sex.
Reality: You can hardly light the piece without catching your acrylic nails on fire. After two hits, you’re already feeling paranoid as hell. Although he tries to make a move, you’re feeling way too awkward and cotton-mouthed to try to enjoy it. After a few dazed minutes of making out, he suggests you order a pizza.
Your First Sober Hangout Together:
Expectation: Who knew you guys had so much chemistry without alcohol? You head to the local campus fro-yo place for a snack and end up back at his place, having intellectual conversations about everything you have in common, ending with a PG rated hook-up that leaves you wanting more.
Reality: After endless back and forth texts of him asking “wanna hang out?” you head to his place to watch a “movie.” He picks the first scary new release on Netflix (not acknowledging that you hate scary movies) and not-so-smoothly slides his arm around you. Five minutes into the film, he’s leaning in for a kiss. Ten minutes into the film, he’s trying to unbutton your high-waisted shorts. Although the idea of having sex with this dude while some actress screams bloody murder in the background sounds lovely, you suddenly remember you have to study for a midterm tomorrow and bounce.