Coachella DOs & DON’Ts
So everyone seems really pissed off about Coachella these days and honestly you can all suck it because I’m still going. For those of you that are on your way to the desert this weekend, I’ve made a list of Do’s and Don’t’s for you all to adhere to. Just some guidelines to make sure you’re not being an ass. Travel safe and I’ll see you all in hell.
DO: STAY HYDRATED
Ok this one is a no brainer but seriously you guys. When you’re not popping mollies and chugging severely overpriced rum and cokes at the Beer Garden DRINK THAT WATER. Unless you want to spend the duration of the weekend in the medical tent then by all means, dry up you little raisin.
DON’T: DRESS LIKE AN IDIOT
If I see anyone wearing a feathered headdress at Coachella this year I am setting myself on fire. WHY? Unless you have some Cherokee blood in your lineage and would like to share your culture with all of us this weekend, take that shit off. It’s obnoxious and offensive. Also tribal prints? Please no. “Where’s Molly?” tank tops? Die. And anyone that is wearing an animal head, I hate you and everything you live for.
DO: GET CREATIVE
I mean this in every sense of the word. Especially when it comes to smuggling food and booze and anything else in. Am I going to get shot by security for saying this? I’m just trying to help you guys out. The Pad Thai at Coachella is like $20 a plate, the least I can do is advise you on how to hide a PB&J in your crotch without getting caught. For real.
DON’T: PASS OUT ALONE
You may laugh now but as soon as you set foot on those polo fields you run the risk of getting lost. Forget about cell phone service. If you don’t have a meeting spot or some kind of inflatable animal to hold up for your crew, you’re done. If you’re on hallucinogens just stay calm, do some guided mediation and crawl to OutKast if you have to. If you end up passing out as someone’s campsite, just don’t be surprised if you wake up and people are using your body as a table for their chips and hummus. My tent neighbor learned that the hard way.
DO: EMBRACE YOUR FILTH
If you’re a clean freak that needs to take a shower twice a day to live then I’m already laughing at you. WHY are you going to Coachella? Granted it’s not the dirtiest if you’re staying at a hotel or house but let’s be real, by 5pm everyone is garbage. It’s hot as hell in Indio, so please don’t act surprised by your own pit stains. Just understand that you are going to look and smell like a landfill by the end of each night and everything will be ok.
DON’T: TRY TO SEE EVERY SHOW
It’s not gonna happen guys. Sorry. Just no.
DO: LOOK FOR CELEBS
Please don’t bore me with the “but they’re just people” spiel because I don’t care. Finding a celebrity among peasants is like finding a piece of gold in a Walmart. It’s a miracle. So if you see James Franco or Anne Hathaway or one of the people from “Orange Is The New Black” drop everything and charge straight at them. They will be obsessed.
DON’T: USE THE PORTA POTTIES
This is probably the most important rule on here. If you love yourself at all you will listen to me. There is literally no reason why you would have to subject yourself to the horror that is the Coachella porta potty situation. If you’re on acid or mushrooms, look for the spot on the grounds that’s as far away as possible from the porta potties and STAY THERE. If you go to the bathroom you will never come back, I promise. If you are staying somewhere with running water, take your dump there and then literally avoid peeing at the festival at all costs. If you must, just walk in, hover, and leave. DO NOT LOOK DOWN. And for the love of god, if you have a smartphone of any kind please don’t hold it while inside of a porta potty. You WILL drop it and subsequently hate yourself.
Rula Al-Nasrawi is a Columbia Graduate whose writing has appeared in Vice, The Atlantic, and other online publications. Her first language is valley girl. Californian bred, NYC residing. @RulaOfTheWorld