10 Thoughts You Have When You Bring Your Boyfriend Home For Christmas
You know all those movies about people innocently bringing home their love interest for the holidays and how it all goes terribly, terribly wrong? Unlike Disney fairytales or Nicholas Sparks novels, these movies are actually somewhat realistic. All the feelings you get when you’re excited about bringing a boy home for Christmas are quickly crushed when you realize that things were much easier before you decided to involve your family in your relationship.
1. This is way more awkward than I thought it would be
You love your boyfriend, and you know that your family is going to love him too. However, you kind of forgot to think of all the logistics. From him awkwardly realizing that your family kisses on both cheeks to you having to explain to your mother that he doesn’t eat pork, things aren’t going quite as expected.
2. No, we’re not getting married…yet
Grandpa, this isn’t the 1950s, we’re not high school sweethearts, and we’re certainly not getting married before I graduate college. Please stop asking when the wedding will be and when I’m “popping out a great grandson.” If you seriously think I can handle a kid right now…you should’ve seen me last Saturday night.
3. Stop trying to kiss me
Babe, I know your dad is chill as fuck and always making sure you “have fun” with the ladies, but I’m my daddy’s little girl, and my family is pretty conservative. I love you and all…but you can’t keep trying to kiss me and subtle-y grab my butt when you think nobody is looking, because my dad is like Robert De Niro’s character in Meet The Parents– he’s always watching!
4. Please don’t bring up my ex again
Why is it that every time my family gets together, it’s a roast of every guy I’ve ever dated? I admit I’ve made some mistakes in my past, but can’t they see I’ve picked a winner this time? And please, please don’t bring up that one ex-boyfriend of mine that you actually really liked, you’re going to make my current boyfriend feel insecure as hell.
5. Where’s the wine?
Maybe if I drink more this will slowly become less awkward…or I’ll black out and forget any of this ever happened.
6. Wait…not that much wine
This isn’t one of your fraternity parties dude…don’t you realize that this tastes better than Franzia? Chill out before you get so drunk that you ask my Dad to slap the bag with you.
6. Don’t sit next to cousin Eli…or Aunt Janis
If you sit next to cousin Eli he’s going to grill you about your intentions all night long, and if you sit next to Aunt Janis she’s probably going to get drunk and ask to see your dick. For real…can me and bae just have our own separate table? We can pretend we’re on a date and you guys can continue watching us like we’re animals in a zoo.
7. Does he think my sister is hotter than me?
Doesn’t my little sister realize that this is a family get together and not ladies night at Marquee? Congrats on winning the genetic lottery and getting Double D’s, but can you at least put them away tonight? I don’t need my boyfriend checking out some other girl’s titties, much less my own sister’s.
8. Please don’t notice the picture of me dressed up as a boy
Mom?! Can’t you replace that photo with something more recent? It was only one year of my life, and it was just a phase, can we drop it?
9. Don’t try to fuck me in here
Please stop trying to back me into the laundry room and get freaky, my elderly relatives are one room away enjoying Christmas and it’s not exactly turning me on.
10. Or in here…
I know we’re in the basement and nobody can hear us, but I’m having way too many flashbacks to my tenth grade boyfriend and his tiny dick.
Photo via Youtube