So Wait, Which Celebrities Are Supposed To Be Getting A Divorce Right Now?

Ahhh, can you smell that sweet scent in the air?  That’s right, celebrity divorce season is upon us. But with all the rumors flying around, unless you’re constantly glued to your phone, it can be hard to piece together who is and who isn’t changing their mind about that whole ’til death do us part’ shit.

Here’s a recap on who’s staying together, who’s untying the knot, and who’s still in denial about how happy they are:

Will and Jada

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After Radar Online reported that the happy, Scientologist couple were “exhausted from trying to maintain the facade of a happy union” and were expected to “pull the plug in a carefully choreographed manner,” the Internet got buzzing.

Yesterday, the couple confirmed what everybody else already knew: they’re kind of crazy. Will Smith took to Facebook to deliver a long, grammatically incorrect statement meant to shame our “foolishness” in believing “redundant, repetitious, over & over-again-ness” because he is not divorcing his wife. He also took it one step further, assuring us that “if I ever decide to divorce my Queen – I swear I’ll tell you myself.”

Because she’s a woman of few, and submissive words, Jada responded simply with “my king has spoken.”

Clearly, they’re meant for each other.

Verdict: So happy together 

Gwen and Gavin

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They were a beautiful couple, but like all beautiful things, they got crushed by the wheels of life (read: their nanny’s breasts). Why you cheat on a woman who had three babies for you and got her abs back each time is a mystery, but when you’re that handsome, sometimes you think there’s a whole different set of rules that apply to you.

But don’t worry, Gwen’s net-worth is reportedly $45 million more than Gavin’s, so she gonna be just fine.

Verdict: They are never ever ever getting back together

Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy

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Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy have always had a turbulent relationship. Miss Piggy is a diva and Kermit is a moody frog who likes to sing about rainbows and get all emo about the fact that he’s green. For years she walked all over him, and like the ball-less frog he was, he let her and used his pain to influence his song-writing process. But now according to a Facebook post the two puppets have “made the difficult decision to terminate our romantic relationship,” but don’t worry because they’ll still “continue to work together on television and in all media now known or hereafter devised, in perpetuity, throughout the universe.”

Maybe now that gay marriage is legal, Kermit will finally have the courage to join his friends Bert and Ernie in being a proud, gay puppet. Either way, we certainly look forward to seeing the two begin to start “seeing other people, pigs, frogs, et al.”

Verdict: Their relationship was a scam from the beginning (but who cares because they don’t even have sex organs, unless…) 


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