So You Wanna Bang a Rock Star?

1) Stalking pays off—occasionally. Maureen Cox was just a Liverpool hairdresser who followed her favorite Beatle, Ringo, all over town like a creep, copying his license plate number and scoring autographs. Eventually Ringo married her. Then again, when a creepy French teen Eric Clapton had banged once in Paris showed up at his house months later and his wife Pattie Boyd (read HER book, BTW; SO good) opened the door, Pattie and Eric just laughed and she stumbled away into the snow or something. Awwwkward! Don’t mix gypsy + groupie. It’s weird.

2) Diaphragm talk is not allowed around Mick Jagger, you stupid whore! Jerry Hall gives the greatest bon mots of advice. Like, don’t come on too strong. “They’re all trying to use [Mick]. They are all nobodies trying to be somebody. I’m up against this every day,” she said once. “I’m not just talking about groupies. One girl, a famous singer, said to Mick when she first met him, ‘Should I put my diaphragm in? Or should we talk first?’ Mick said it put him off so much. It was so unromantic.” I had a diaphragm once. Never again.

3) If you go near Guitar God dong, don’t expect NOT to get a gnarly STD faster than you can say “syphilis of the throat”, princess. Pamela Des Barres, arguably the most famous groupie of all time and author of ‘I’m With The Band,’ got hepatitis when she was only 20! Then of course, there’s Pamela Anderson, who got her Hep C from sharing a tattoo (cough) needle with Tommy Lee—allegedly. I mean, she could have gotten it from sex with him. And she could have transmitted from another kind of needle. Just saying.

4) Even if you wear a condom when you sleep with your rock star, you can still get creepy-crawlies. When Guns’N’Roses were recording “Appetite For Destruction” in West Hollywood, every single member of the band boned this slag Cameron and every single member of the band got crabs. CRABS. Little INSECTS crawling around your GENITALS. UGH, who even wants to f*** a rock star? I think I just threw up in my mouth.

5) Oral sex is crucial.  In the words of my personal hero, former hip hop groupie Superhead—author of many books, including the iconic ‘Confessions of a Video Vixen,’ sometimes you just gotta suck a dick until your nose bleeds! Or maybe that wasn’t her ADVICE, per se, it was just something that actually—violently, then—happened to her. Sad. (Sexy-sad?)

6) In decadent rock star world, infidelity is accepted as par the course, so grow up! In “Faithfull: An Autobiography” (ironic title and last name, poor woman), Marianne finds out that Mick has been messing with Pamela Des Barres (hope he wore a condom!) in LA. She wrote, “I never said a word. Getting upset about a little f***ing around was unhip and middle class […] I couldn’t compete with groupies, for Christ sakes, I didn’t even give anyone a blow job until I was in my late twenties.” See, you gotta S that D to keep up, you guys.

7) Your pussy should taste like apricots. Oh, one more tip from the Pamela/Mick/Marianne affair: Mick became obsessed with peach and strawberry ice cream-flavored douches Miss Pamela was using during their affair—then went back to England and actually pressured MF, his longtime girlfriend, to start using them! Do you die? She hated them and started douching with jasmine oil instead. The point is: let’s bring back douching. I think it’s cool. Ooh, groupie sex is sooo hot!

8) It doesn’t matter how ugly you are if you can squirt. Rock stars sleep with so many women—so, so many groupies—that you have to pull off some really next-level sexual fabulosity to stand out in their drug-clouded memories. Motley Crue’s Tommy Lee has been with the hottest women in the world—Pam, Heather Locklear—but the women he really raved about in “Dirt” (read it—amazing) were the freaks: a moose-faced Mexican dubbed Bullwinkle he believed to be “the love of my life […] the one […] incredibly hard to break up with”—he became addicted to her squirting on his face when she orgasmed.

9) Billie Jean it all the way to the bank. Wives and girlfriends of rock stars are expected to get pregnant; groupies, not so much. When it happens, the rock star is usually not so happy. Do NOT be convinced to terminate that baby, my dear! It’s money in the bank. Speaking of which, what ever happened to that Justin Bieber paternity lawsuit? Hmm.

10) Poppers aren’t just for gays and anal (though relax and try to enjoy anal in 2013, please). I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: poppers make awesome sex even more awesome. Bianca Jagger was a poppers fiend in the Studio 54 era when she was married to Mick—and Kate Moss, ex of rock star Pete Doherty and now married to rock star James Hince, is reportedly a poppers aficionado and is always bothering DJs at the London clubs for them. Case closed!

PS… you’ll find Cat’s banging tips in print form very soon —  Galore issue #2 ‘Women Who Rock’ starts hitting sexy stands next week!

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