Candy Crush: 6 Overtly Sexual Sweet Treats We Can’t Get Enough Of!
I am currently sitting here, writing this article with a ring pop on my middle finger and as someone who has no shame whatsoever when it comes to well… anything, the fact that I am uncertain as to whether I want to be eating this in public is more than a little disturbing. There are more than enough sexy candy photos on Google images and Tumblr to back me up when I say that there is something inherently slutty about candy, which is a bit disheartening when so many of us associate candy with childhood. Then again, look what Halloween turned into for us. Here is a list of six candies that should perhaps be reserved strictly for the bedroom.
1. Ring Pops: If the image of someone sticking a finger in their mouth doesn’t get you going, then you should reevaluate your mood medication. Not only is there sucking involved but then there are the noises that go with it. The lip smacking that usually only occurs during fellatio. Trust me… I am inadvertently making them right now.
2. Blow Pop: And since we are talking about sucking and sounds… The slurping of a blow pop, the red lips that come with it. They all are practically made for a porno. And then of course the grand finally is the bubble gum in the middle. Which leads me to…
3. Bubble Gum: Let us be honest here. Bubbles make boys think of boobs. A girly chewing gum is always the ditzy blonde bimbo who hooks up with the football player behind the bleachers.. even if she is a brunette who has never dated a football player in her life and got a 2100 on her SATs.
4. Rocket Popsicles: We had them at my school and you literally could not even open one in public without becoming a figure to be mocked. The best part was, they were popular with the boys. If you ever wanted to see the prom king sucking dick, all you had to do was buy him a rocket pop. If you need yet more proof, just watch Spring Breakers.
5. Candy Necklaces: They are essentially Anal Beads. Who hasn’t had a fantasy that included candy necklaces at some point? Well, at least I have. Dragging the beads of the necklaces across your lips, biting down hard with just a touch of red lipstick… but I digress.
6. Jawbreakers: If you have never seen the movie Jawbreaker do not worry because I feel that Jawbreakers are one of the most obviously kinky candies out there. You are sucking a giant ball! Pulling it in and out of your mouth. Do I make myself clear?