9 Ways NOT To Give A Blowjob

A guy can tell a lot about a girl through a blowjob. It becomes an intimate expose of your entire sexual persona. Like a fingerprint, no two blowjobs are exactly the same. Are you a newbie or have you been around? Do you like it rough & sloppy, or do you prefer it slow & sensual? Are you kinky or do you like to keep things pretty standard? Self-conscious or confident? All of that becomes very apparent through the act of fellatio.

Even if the rest of your performance in bed is unremarkable, a guy won’t quickly give up a girl who can use her tongue to make him squirm in all the right ways. Every girl wants to be able to give an amazing blowjobs. That being said, many girls just don’t have a clue how to give a good blowjob, and may be sending all the wrong signals. Here are some blowjob DON’TS from a guy’s perspective which are pretty much guaranteed to raise some red flags.

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1) “Look Ma, No Hands!” – Think of our dicks like a woodwind instrument. If you’re not using your hands when you blow it – rather than making beautiful music, you’re probably just slobbering on it and making some weird noises. A lot of women just can’t seem to figure out what to do with their hands during a BJ, so they don’t use them at all. This generally comes off as lazy and amateurish. Don’t be scared, just go ahead and grab it. Not too hard, not too light, and, for the love of god, be careful if you have sharp nails. If the guy is too small or you’re going too deep to keep hold, fondling the balls is always appreciated!

2) The Shaft Scraper – Some years back, I was in the middle of a perfectly good blowjob, when I felt a sharp pain coming from her work area. I winced, and rather violently pushed her head away. Surprised at my reaction, the girl asked me “What, you don’t like that?” “Uh, no. Why the hell would I like that!?” I responded. “Well I read an article in Cosmo that said guys are into a little teeth”. I explained to her that I’m definitely not into a little teeth, or any teeth at all. A year later, the exact same thing happens with a different girl. Coincidentally, she cites that same Cosmo article. Look, I don’t care what you’ve read or where you read it, even it’s from the mouth of Jenna Jameson herself, unless the guy explicitly tells you otherwise (and I highly doubt he will), guys don’t like to feel teeth against any part of their shit. It hurts (and not in a pleasurable pain kind of way), it’s not sexy, and it’s dangerous.

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3) No Eye Contact – There are very few things on this planet I can think of that are sexier than a woman staring deep into my eyes with my cock in her mouth. It’s one of the eternal truths of sex that nearly 100% of men can agree on. It shows us that the woman is relaxed, confident, & knows there’s an actual person attached to that penis who she should pay attention to as well. Concurrently, not looking at us has the opposite effect: it comes off as self-conscious and impersonal. It makes it seem like you care more about finishing the job than making us genuinely feel good, and severs any real connection from what can otherwise be a very intimate act.

4) Acting Grossed Out– It’s a sad fact that I’m still encountering grown women who treat dicks like a 3rd grade girl treats a boy on the playground with cooties. It’s no secret that every guy loves his own cock. In some ways, it’s our best friend…It’s always been there for us, through thick and thin (pun intended), and we want the girl we’re sharing it with to love it as much as we do.

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5) Just the Tip – Would you rather have a guy going down on you dive right in and suck on your clit like he’s trying to get one of those shitty dot candies off of the paper backing? Or would you rather him work up to it slowly; kiss & lick you all around, probe you with his tongue a little, maybe slip a finger or two inside you? Yes, it’s true, the head of the penis has the most nerve endings. But that doesn’t mean you should neglect the rest. If you physically can’t take it deeper, licking or sucking on the shaft from the side is always an acceptable alternative.

6) Using Head as a Reward – This is a big pet peeve. Plain and simple, guys don’t like having various sexual acts dangled over our heads like we’re a cat jumping for a piece of string. While you may enjoy the extra control you exert over your man by playing on his hyper-active sex drive, using blowjobs (or any sexual act for that matter) as a reward is an easy way to get him to resent you in the long run. Only giving them after he takes you out to dinner, buys you something nice, or “on special occasions”, not only resonates a sense of sexual entitlement, it makes the guy feel as if he has to literally “buy” the blowjob from you. Sex should be a 2-way street – something you both enjoy – not a reward for a new necklace. We want a partner, not a prostitute! You should find a way to make it a mutually beneficial & pleasurable experience for you as well. Besides, there are few things sexier than a girl taking the initiative to give head without any suggestion or reason other than she likes you and wants to give you head.

7) The Wannabe Porn Star – She’s read been reading Cosmo since the 8th grade, she’s studied porn attentively for pointers, she’s practiced every trick in the book…and subsequently she’s usually convinced that she is amazing at giving head. She’s the quintessential try-hard. While this may sound awesome in theory, most of the worst blowjobs in life have been from girls under this category. She’s bobbing, turning, slobbering, licking, gagging, and swirling – seemingly all at the same time, at a mind boggling speed. Although the effort is definitely appreciated, a crazy porn star blowjob is made to look good on TV, but doesn’t necessarily feel as great in real life. Our dicks aren’t machines you can get off with some pre-programmed blowjob playbook you’ve memorized over the years. We want to feel a personal connection with you, we want you to play off of the moment. Tease us a little, feel out what we like & don’t like; we don’t want to feel like you’re trying to win a pole polishing contest. In most cases, slow and steady will win this race. Learning a few good tricks and mastering them is far more impressive than being mediocre at a lot of them.

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8) The Sneaky Reach Around – I have no idea where this emerging trend came from, but it seems to be a fast spreading epidemic among the blowjob-giving populous. I’d venture to guess that women’s anatomy makes you naturally a lot more familiar with your own assholes & surrounding area than men, so you probably don’t see the harm in sneaking a finger in. But here’s the thing, while I can’t attest for guys already into anal play – very rarely does the average man have reason to venture below his own balls during the normal course of life. We’re inherently grossed out & embarrassed by our own assholes. It is a no-fly zone for many of us, and we expect you to respect that boundary. I realize that many girls (and guys) are into a little ass play during oral, which is cool, but it’s not something you should just sneak up on a dude without warning. Call it dual standards, but we see women as the fairer of the two sexes, and generally don’t want you getting involved with our ugliest side right off the bat.

9) The Faux-Job – It’s a blowjob that’s not quite a blowjob, and arguably the worst of the BJ faux-pas (blow-pas?) on the list. If you’re going to give a blowjob, you better commit to a blowjob, not something in between. Just kissing the shaft, strictly licking it like a lollipop, spitting on it, or any other strange half-assed variation I’ve seen girls come up with aren’t only not particularly pleasurable, they’re often downright weird. I even hooked up with one girl who pretended to give me a blowjob through my pants. Yes, that actually happened – no actual contact, fully clothed, like the air guitar version of giving head. Sarah, if you’re reading this, please contact me to let me know wtf were you actually thinking, because that moment still confuses the shit out of me to this day.

But in the end, the worst kind of blowjob, is the blowjob not given. By and large if you put your mouth on our penis we’re going to be happier than if you didn’t. However, keep these tips in mind and you’ll leave a good impression, not to mention keep him coming back for more.

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