How to Get Banned From an NYC Bar

I’ll admit, I’ve had my ups and downs with drinking. By ups and downs, I don’t mean that sometimes I drink excessively and sometimes I lay off the bottle- I always drink excessively. And sometimes waking up with your best friend and re-counting last night’s blurry but hilarious time is great, and sometimes you wake up to 30 missed calls in an un-identified location and have a hangover so bad that you want to die.

However, since I’ve left college life and moved to NYC, I have been proud of my progress with drinking. I still go out quite frequently (because “who goes out on Mondays?” doesn’t apply in New York), but I like to think that I’m not constantly drinking myself into oblivion like I did in school.

But old habits die hard, and one afternoon I woke up at 2 pm and was a little confused about the preceding night. A few weeks later, when I tried to re-visit the same bar I had been at on that fateful night, I was informed that I was banned… If you want to be as cool as me (yes, I already know that you do) here are some great tips for getting banned from a bar:

Read: Lies That Healthy Drinkers Tell Themselves 

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1. Pregame… hard.

We all know that drinks at the bar are much weaker than the drinks you’re mixing in the comfort of your own apartment- if you’re even making drinks at all (get real….you’re most likely taking shots). Besides, who really wants to show up to a bar sober?

2. Find guys to buy you drinks all night.

If you’re a broke bitch like me, you might be tempted to stop drinking after the pregame to save money and maybe actually not make a fool of yourself for once. Therefore, you need to find guys who are obviously trying to get you drunk (dressing sexy will help speed this process along). If you have multiple guys buying you drinks at once, you’ll be double-fisting and drink even faster in hopes of having one hand free to drunk-text, obviously.

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3. Go to the bathroom (alone).

I know you girls like to go to the bathroom in a group, but being in a group means that you’ll have a friend who might actually be sober enough to stop you from doing something reckless.

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4. Fight with the bouncer.

If a bouncer is kicking you out of the bar, he’s obviously just being a dick for no reason. I’m sure it’s a good idea to try to fight a big jacked guy, as you’re a 120 pound girl, right?

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In all honestly, as much as I would love to give you a play by play about how exactly I got banned from this place- I can’t. All I know is that my roommate found me outside in the snow looking very, very upset. I was later told that I tried to fight the bouncer, although I can’t say exactly what lead up to these events… Please don’t invite me to Riff Raff’s with you anytime soon because I sort of can’t come, thanks.

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