Baewatch: Real Stories from Real Lifeguard Babe Ivy Miller
The duties of a real lifeguard aren’t always just prancing around in your red thigh-high one-peice, and getting paid to get a perfectly sun-kissed tan (or if you’re anything like me, an abnormal-looking burn). Sometimes lifeguards do actually have to work, you know, save lives and what not, or sometimes their responsibilities consist of even stranger tasks. We spoke to an actual ‘baewatch’ babe Ivy Miller about some of her most interesting, and awkward encounters, that have happened to her on the sand, and how she dealt. Ivy shared a few short stories with us about how the struggle is definitely more real than just trying to keep up a bangin’ bikini bod.
Sex on the Beach
I was working our busiest tower, running in and out of the water, going on rescues, when two furious moms approached me, “Um lifeguard, there is a couple over there having SEX right next to my children!”
My first thought was “well, move your children…” but in any sense, that’s not appropriate and it is my job to make sure everyone is happy and safe at the beach. So, with my bouy and fins in hand, I hopped down from my tower and didn’t have to go more than about 30 yards to see a young woman, bouncing up and down, hair in her face, having a jolly ‘ol time, clearly intoxicated, doing a terrible job at hiding the fact that she’s having public sex.
So first I tried saying (from a distance) “Hey guys, excuse me, that’s not allowed. I’m going to have to ask you guys to leave the beach.”
The couple was so infatuated by each other, they didn’t seem to even hear me. I tried yelling this time but nothing changed. Now a crowed had started to gather and watch. Reluctantly, I took a deep exhale, reached over and tried getting the bouncing girls attention by poking her with my buoy. She looked over her shoulder and gave me a super casual and cheery “hi! What’s up?!” all whilst still going about her (public) bouncing business.
I said firmly this time, “Okay you have to leave the beach now or else I have to get sheriffs involved. You can’t have sex on the beach, especially in front of families in the middle of the day.”
She immediately proceeded to hop off the “D” and fix her dress. She said in a thick southern accent,
“Oh wow I’m so sorry, don’t worry we’re leaving. Come on, James!”
James, apparently, put his now visible pean back in his pants, jumped up and agreed,
James and Darla(?!) then picked up their towel and began their walk of shame off the sand. Ironic, considering they didn’t seem to have any shame during their pre-interrupted public sex show.
I just turned and ran back to my tower in a state of confusion and shock, still slightly disturbed as the protruding beach crowd began a round of applause. Whether it was for my heroic act or to shame the pornographic couple, I’m not sure.
I was life guarding down at one of our beaches in San Diego when I saw this 200lb muscle man bring down two 50lb kettle bells, set up his towel and take off his trousers to reveal a flashy little man thong. He then greased himself up, and started doing reps with his two kettle bells. After a good thirty minutes, he wattled over to the shore line and entered the ocean directly into a rip current. He swam out through the rip just fine, but when he decided he wanted to go back in, he tried swimming, which looked more like a flailing motion, directly in towards shore. However, his neck muscles were much too massive and his stroke was much too unpracticed.
I knew this was going to happen and it was only a matter of time before I would have to radio in and swim out to help him. When I finally reached him I yelled,
“Hey, I’m a lifeguard, grab my buoy!”
“I’m fine,” he lied.
“No, grab my buoy, you don’t have another option, your stroke sucks,” I replied.
“I don’t need help little girl,” Muscleman rudely responded.
So then I waited, treading water next to him while he quickly became more and more exhausted, splashing like crazy. Finally out of desperation he said, “Get me a guy lifeguard!”
I just looked at him, half of his face was underwater at this point. I figured I’d let him swallow his ego, along with some water for that last comment he made. When he went under, I grabbed him and wrapped him with my buoy. He grabbed onto it with a death grip and I swam him in. When we were knee deep I said, “you can stand now.”
He couldn’t even look at me. He just stood up, ran to his towel in his little banana hammock, grabbed his kettle bells and left the beach with his tail between his legs. I doubt he ever came back.
It was a crowded day at north tower and I, as per usual, was in and out of the tower all day and hadn’t even been fully dry at any point. I was exhausted when I saw this little chunk nugget struggling to get into the shore, from which he had drifted obviously much farther out than intended. I radioed in, and jumped off my tower to get quickly to this kid. He looked about 10 years old, and when I got to him his face was red from huffing and puffing.
He was scared so I wrapped my buoy around him and asked where he was from. He said Illinois and told me he didn’t know how he got so far out and that he thought he was going to die. I replied,
“Don’t worry bud were goin in!”
He didn’t say anything, just looked frightened, so I started to back-stroke him in. I then saw his eyes light up and a big smile grew across his face, so I thought, “Good, he’s starting to feel better.”
I kept swimming in, and when I get about waist deep, I realized my bathing suit top had slipped up and my right boob had been totally exposed the entire time!
I fumbled to fix it while I was walking him to the shore, when I heard him whisper to himself “best day ever,” and waddle off to his family.
To see more of quick-witted beach babe and model, Ivy Miller, follow her Instagram.