BAD DATES: When the Date Pulls His Dick Out
Have you ever been on a GODAWFUL date and NEED to tell someone all about it? I would expect so, in these times of OK Cupid, Tinder etc there are far too many opportunities for us to mismatched it the most hilarious and terrible ways. We will be featuring anecdotes of some of the most ridiculous tales of dating. Check out below
I admit, this date was probably due to my poor judgement. But, it was summertime and I was stuck at home with my family, my friends had all gone back to school, and I had nothing to do. I got a message on Instagram from this guy, who, unlike the usual creeps who message me on Instagram, was actually really hot. So, I figured, it’s basically like tinder, right? I messaged him back to find out that he was traveling with Marvel Live as Loki (Thor’s brother, for those of you that don’t know). He invited me to get a coffee the next day and I figured a coffee was innocent enough, plus this guy was just my type.
As I’m driving to the coffee place he wanted to meet at, I get a call from him asking if I wanted to grab a drink instead. It was two in the afternoon, but of course I still agreed, because who doesn’t need a mid-afternoon beer?
Anyways, I get to the bar and I did not get cat-fished, hooray! The guy is actually just as cute as I thought he was from his pics, and after a shot and a tall boy we are getting along pretty well. The weather is pretty shitty, and he goes on about “how it’s the type of day where I just wanna lay inside and watch a movie…” He then proceeds to invite me to his hotel room to watch one, which is conveniently right nearby. Do not ask me why I agreed to this, but I somehow felt too awkward saying no, even though going to a hotel room with some strange guy you just met is probably the last thing your mother told you to do with your life.
So we get to his hotel, which is actually filled with all the other hot guys who act as super-heroes in the show with him. Once we get to his room, I am awkwardly huddling in the corner of the couch and he notices how uncomfortable I am (Duh?). Thinking it would somehow ease the tension, he decides that Don Jon is the movie we should watch.. like really? Because I needed more sexual tension here.. He keeps asking me to take another shot with him, clearly not comprehending the fact that I have to drive home when I can escape this awkward ass situation. Then, Don Jon’s sexual themes bring us to talk about sex, and bring him to bring out his sex toys.. totally normal first date situations.
Anyways, eventually he goes in for the kiss and we start making out, because what else am I supposed to do in this situation? It’s when he starts trying to push things further that I realize I need to GTFO ASAP. So I go into the bathroom and try to straighten myself up (and sober myself up). When I get out and announce that I am leaving, he tries to convince me that I am too drunk and need to sit and drink water and hang out and sober up. He is right, to a point, so I sit down and start drinking water. Then, he adds, “Besides, I never got to give you a show.”
Excuse me? I never asked for a show! I try to explain that I’m not really into that sort of thing, but soon enough he pulls his (huge) dick out and I really don’t know what the f*** I am supposed to do at this point. He then asks me if I’ll make out with him while he jacks himself off, after realizing I wasn’t going to do it for him. Reluctantly, I agreed, just wanting to escape as soon as possible. After this traumatic experience, I literally ran out there, and drove (somewhat drunkenly, which I am not proud of) home.
The guy consistently asks to hang out again while I am home, and even asks if I want to post a craigslist ad pretending to be a couple looking for a threesome partner. I decline, and don’t have to see/ speak to him again once he leaves town.
However, I did get a lovely message from this fellow on Christmas morning, stating:
“So remember that time you came to my hotel and saw me cum, well ya for Christmas I just wanted to say that was awesome, and you look sexy as hell in this pic and I wish we could have a playdate and fulfill some of your fantasies. All I want for Christmas is a picture of you naked.”