Your Horoscope And Spirit Jams For The Week Of August 10

Like all things astrological, horoscopes are a gift from the gods that can lead one to true enlightenment.  Even if your horoscope doesn’t tell you anything you want to hear, you still want to hear it.  But while most horoscopes can leave you high and dry without a song to dance to, our horoscopes are a little different.  So read on and get your horoscope and spirit jam for the week on.


 

Leo

Even though this summer has hurt like a motherf-cker, you’ve finally made it. This is your month, Leo. Or at least it’s your birthday month (take what you can get, you know). Regardless of whether your birthday is tomorrow, two weeks from now, or it already happened (happy belated, bitch), the time to celebrate is now…but like literally, because by the time the 13th rolls around, shit is gonna hit the fan. Exs are gonna be blowing up your cellphone trying to get another chance to cum in your bed, work is going to get crazy, and you’re going to constantly be hungry, but with no idea about what you want to eat. Instead of driving up to Canada so you can run through the 6 with your woes, set aside time to journal and get back into a healthy, stress-relieving habit like running, going to yoga, or having lots of sex. Now run off and enjoy your time in the sun, cum kittens. Y’all earned it.

SPIRIT SONG: Earned It

VIRGO

So I know your heart is in the right place, Virgo, but it’s time to loosen up. There’s a time and a place to be picky and critical of the world around you, and it’s winter. The summer is all about enjoying your surroundings, and let’s be honest, unless you’re going over to your one friend’s house that has AC, you haven’t been enjoying anything besides complaining. Lucky Jupiter is about to come into your sign in a major way on Thursday, so please try and be open to new experiences. Especially in the bedroom. Just remember: always have a safe word.

SPIRIT SONG: …Baby One More Time

Libra

The party hasn’t stopped this summer since you walked in the door back in June, and even though you’ve accumulated enough Instagramable memories to fill a lifetime, your life is kind of a mess right now. Libra, it’s time to slow the f-ck down and focus on bae. AKA you. Reintroduce yourself to the joy of cooking, finally get around to doing laundry, and spend some time living in that apartment you pay hundreds of dollars for a month. It may seem boring at first, but if you don’t refresh and recharge now, you’re going to implode by the time August’s over. The strip club circuit may miss you, but even the baddest bitch has gotta slow down sometime. We can’t all be Rihanna.

SPIRIT SONG: Drop It Like It’s Hot

Scorpio

Girl, I know he had you feeling like the one again, but now that things are really through, it’s time to admit that he was just a f-ckboy dressed up in a dream boat’s clothes. We’ve all been there, and that’s why you should really start believing your besties who’ve been telling you that he was trouble since he walked in. For the rest of your summer, pull a 180 Taylor and just focus on your squad. All week, follow your impulses when it comes to rewarding yourself. If you want fro yo, get your dessert on. If you want to dye your hair purple, get your transformation going. However, if you want a new boy toy, maybe you should stop and reconsider. Your heart’s been through a lot recently, and it needs some time to mend before you’re really ready to go out trolling for new dick. Enjoy being single and untethered and whenever you feel too weak to go on, the cure can always be found in pop music.

SPIRIT SONG: Shake it off

SAGITTARIUS

Where have you been these days, Sagittarius? Even though your friends have been blowing up your phone to hang out, you’ve mostly just been hanging out on your own. While I’m always down for a girl taking a moment to slow down and take stock, there’s a fine line between introspection and lonerism. While it’s all fine and well for Tame Impala, you’re not a successful indie band from Australia – stop whatever mody cat bizness you’re up to, pick up your phone and start sending out text messages. Hit up your besties, hit up your friend you haven’t seen in a while because he’she moved to another state/Queens, and for f-ck’s sake hit up that cute boy you met at the bar for another night of multiple drinks and multiple orgasms. I know your brain’s been running eight miles a minute, but just try and not worry about all the backburner stuff for a change. This week, just focus on putting yourself out there, and you just may surprise yourself with how you feel going into new week.

SPIRIT SONG: The Motto

Capricorn

Every now and then, life has a way of working out for a bitch. Welcome to your August, Capricorn. Lucky Jupiter is sprinkling herself all over your forecast, so get ready to reap the benefits. Check your pockets for hidden $20s, go out to bars and collect free shots just for walking in the door, and get ready to find all those lighters and pens you’ve lost over the summer. But instead of just coasting, use this good luck to our advantage. Whether it’s succumbing to Tinder, signing up for a gym membership, or finally getting that project you’ve been talking about forever off the ground, figure out how to make your good luck really work for you. After all, just like everything good in this temporal world, nothing lasts forever. Enjoy the best before it becomes the worst, you feel?

SPIRIT SONG: Best I Ever Had

Aquarius

You’ve never been one to follow the rules, so how come you’ve been in such a rut this summer? I know money’s been tight, your job seems like it’s not going anywhere, and you’ve been having the worst luck with pimples, but since when have you ever let trifles get in the way of your shine? It’s time to stop making excuses and start letting yourself have fun again. As Friday’s new moon gets its shine on, your sex appeal is about to go through the roof, so call up your friends and get ready to get weird. Avoid wine that only comes in cans, flash tattoos, and excessive dairy, but say yes to shots, pleather, and statement jewelry.

SPIRIT SONG: Wild For The Night

Pisces

I know it’s the summer and all you wanna do is have fun and finally get a chance to take that vacation you and your friends have been dreaming about since April, but you have to fight that because it’s time to kick your career up a notch. You’ve been really indecisive about what your next step is gonna be, but it’s time to make a leap. Don’t worry about the rest of your life right now, just worry about getting shit done. Whether you finally get that t-shirt printing business going or you start putting together that drinking games coffee book that you know Urban Outfitters is going to wet themselves over, it’s time to get the ball rolling Jupiter is about to bring a lot of opportunities your way, and you don’t want to be caught empty-handed. Don’t worry, once your life slows down, you can get back to partying.

SPIRIT SONG: Get Busy

Aries

Are you even aware of the effect that you’re having on people right now? Aries, let’s just say that when you’re around, it’s not just the heat that’s getting people wet. If you’re in a relationship, take advantage of the fact that as soon as you get your boo alone he/she is gonna be good to go and get it in somewhere adventurous. You haven’t lived until you’ve taken it from behind in a public bathroom, much to the exacerbation of the full-bladdered youths on the other side of the door. If you’re single, go out and buy a value pack of condoms because there is literally nothing stopping you from getting wet and wild whenever you want. Seriously, what are you doing still reading this? Put on your freakum dress and get out of your house now.

SPIRIT SONG: #GETITRIGHT

Taurus

Get ready to rumble, because your life is about to get more demanding than a pregnant Kardashian.  From work to your social life, everybody is going to want a little piece of you.  If you’re single, now’s a good time to stay single.  Opportunities are going to come out of the woodwork left and right, and you don’t need to be saying no to them just because Ken from that bar around the corner looks like he might be good in bed.  If you’re in a relationship, this is a good time to take stock of whether this is the right person to help you grow.  If your partner can help you navigate your busy life without getting selfish or petty, you’ve found a keeper.  If he/she can’t, it may be time for an adios.  Even though it’s going to seem like you can’t possibly be doing anything right because there’s too much going on to really stay focused, trust me, you’re going fine.  Just keep swimming, Taurus.

SPIRIT SONG: All My Friends

Cancer

I don’t know what it is about you girl, but you just can’t catch a break these days. this is going to be a seriously bad week for you. While it’s tempting to just stay nestled in your bed with a pack of double stuff Oreos and a collection of pre-rolled spliffs, hiding out like a hermit isn’t going to make you feel better, its just going to make you feel lonely. Even though things aren’t necessarily going to be going your way, like my college acting teacher used to say, fake it until you make it. Keep going out, keep talking to strangers at bars, and keep giving work your all. Giving up is always tempting, but things won’t get better unless you try.

SPIRIT SONG: Alright


Gimme More POP


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