Ask Tinderella: He Lives With His Ex
I’m such a huge fan of your blog! Thought I would email to ask for some advice on a recent dating disaster.
I started talking to this really hot guy two weeks ago on POF. We exchanged a couple of messages until he said that he “didn’t do the POF thing” and gave me his number so I added him on WhatsApp. We have spoken all day, every day ever since and have had three different hour and a half long phone conversations as well.
He is honestly the most charming, funny, sweet guy that I’ve ever spoken to. We just seemed to click and he said that he fell for me a little bit every single day. He even went as far as to say that his heart skipped a beat when he looked at my picture on my Whatsapp profile and how he didn’t think he had a type until he saw a picture of me. I had a pretty shitty break-up about 18 months ago which involved a lot of cheating on my ex’s part and if I’m being honest, I have been completely devastated and heartbroken ever since, and have avoided dating in general. But this guy seemed completely different so when he suggested we meet up, I decided to go.
We had our first date yesterday and it was the best date I’ve ever been on. He was polite, gentlemanly and had me in stitches for the whole day. He even brought me some flowers and talked about silly gifts that he was going to buy me for my birthday next month and how we could go away together to celebrate. Safe to say, I was completely smitten and we ended up holding hands and kissing. A lot. Nothing more though. Rule 101. He walked me to my car at the end of the date and we ended up kissing a bit more and I left feeling i was on cloud 9. I sent him a text last night thanking him for a great date and he replied saying that he had a lot of fun.
But today he has messaged me saying that he thinks meeting me has made everything real for him and how he wasn’t expecting to find somebody who he had such a good thing with so quickly. He said it was no reflection on me but he needed to sort out some ‘personal stuff’ including his living situation. He still lives with his ex because neither of them can afford to move out. He told me this when we first started speaking and I don’t really have a problem with it as he said there’s no feelings there anymore for either of them. So I just responded that he obviously had some stuff going on and that he should just get himself into a situation where he’s happy. He sent me couple more messages that I didn’t respond to.
I guess I’m just a bit confused. Surely everybody who is single is looking for somebody that they have a ‘good thing’ with? I’ve never given him the impression that I want to ride off into the sunset with him, but more that I just want to go out and have fun and spend time with somebody who I can enjoy things with.
What should I do? Just let it go? Help!
Keep being amazing, Tinderella! xx
I know this isn’t what you want to hear but yes – let him go. Unfortunately, if he still lives with his ex he really isn’t ready to move on. Having briefly lived with an ex while he was my ex I can tell you that although the environment is hostile, horrible, tense and explosive there are still feelings lurking under all the hatred. It’s categorically impossible to move on while you are still living under the same roof.
My guess is that his freakout about things feeling ‘too real’ has to do with the fact that he isn’t over his ex, and isn’t ready to move on. He probably signed up to POF with the intention to take initial steps to move on, but also knowing in the back of his mind that he wasn’t really ready to do so. Before he can commit to anyone else, he needs to handle his past relationship and cut ties. Trust me when I say that when you really don’t want to live with an ex, you will find a way to make ends meet and move out… He obviously isn’t there yet.
I’m sorry that you got emotionally invested in this guy and it does sound like you have a connection but unfortunately you met at the wrong place and the wrong time… you also don’t want to be a ‘rebound’ so EVEN if he moves out tomorrow, it wouldn’t be a great idea to leap into a relationship with him before he has had some time to heal and find his autonomy again.
I think you’ve handled this whole thing maturely and I would encourage you to continue ignoring his text messages. He can’t give you what you want at the moment. If you stay strong now, there’s a good chance that he will pursue you when he’s ready to really date again, but whether or not that happens my best advice is that you forget about him and start dating other people. Have a little faith in the Universe that if it’s meant to be, it will be!
If it’s any consolation I did a similar thing with The Republican… I hastily ended things with him when my ex moved back into town – because I wasn’t really over the d-bag at the time – and I regretted losing The Republican for a long time. So I’m SURE this guy will soon be kicking himself for not manning up when he should have – especially when he sees you with your new hunk of a Prince Charming.
Do you have a dating question for Tinderella? Email your questions to [email protected] with the subject ‘Dating Advice’.