Ask Tinderella: Can I Make It Work With A Former Jehova’s Witness?
Tinderella, I need your help!
I met my ex boyfriend on Tinder back in October; we weren’t together for too long (we broke up in February), but he’s the first guy I could ever see myself getting married to, and our connection was pretty deep. I never fall for guys fast or hard, so I knew he was someone special.
Anyway, we broke up because he was a former Jehovah’s Witness, and he didn’t celebrate anything. He hasn’t been active in 6 years, so I didn’t understand why he still didn’t want to celebrate and I told him I couldn’t be with him. It was the hardest thing to do. I didn’t talk to him for a month after the breakup.
Yesterday I met up with him, and he told me he still hasn’t been to church. He says he is conflicted because he sees himself getting married to me, but also feels he should go back to his religion. When we saw each other it felt like we were still together. He told me he doesn’t want to lose me, and that he still wants to be in contact and possibly see each other more-he also said he didn’t want me to wait around for him, because he doesn’t know what’s going to happen.
I’ve still been using Tinder and meeting guys since we broke up, but none of these guys compare. I don’t know what to do. He told me to email him when I got home (my car had problems and my phone was dead) and I did, but he didn’t reply. When I got home I also saw that he was on Tinder (we live over 30+miles away from one another so I had avoided seeing him on Tinder until yesterday), so I know he saw me on Tinder too, and I think that may be the reason he didn’t reply to my email.
I am so confused about what to do. I really have strong feelings for him, but I also don’t want to keep talking to someone if it isn’t going to go anywhere. I feel terrible because I am the reason he hasn’t fully committed back to his religion, but I also feel like he needs to decide what he really wants from his life since he is 29 and should make up his mind soon. He told me it’s an extremely hard decision for him because it’s basically him choosing his “dream” girl, or the way he was brought up. He cried when telling me all this stuff, so I know he genuinely cares about me, but I also know how hard it is for someone to leave a religion that they were born into (especially one as strict as Jehovah’s Witnesses).
WHAT DO I DO?! I’m so conflicted!!!!
Oh dear, Conflicted Californian, this situation sounds very difficult for both of you and I’m sorry you’re feeling so confused about it all, I’m sure I would be too.
There are a lot of factors to consider here and ultimately, you have to make this decision for yourself but my honest advice is that this whole thing is too complicated to work. Religion aside, the fact that he lives 30 miles away would be enough to deter me from this relationship. That’s a huge strain on any relationship and means that you’ll both be entering this with the assumption that one day you’ll be leaving your current life as you know it to live nearer to each other. Maybe that’s OK with you both, but I do think that it creates extra stress and pressure that you won’t find with someone who lives closer to home.
With regards to his religion I want to start by saying that you are probably not the reason he hasn’t returned to the Jehovah’s Witnesses, whatever he may say. Religion is an entirely personal decision and whatever he ultimately decides comes from him and his beliefs, not from a desire to make it work with you. It really sounds as though he just isn’t secure in his own beliefs and that he is conflicted internally about what he should do – I can’t imagine growing up in his shoes, but I think it’s entirely credible that six years down the line he would still have doubts about what to believe. I think this is a man who needs to be happy and comfortable in himself before he can be in a healthy relationship with someone else.
As hard as it is to walk away from someone you love, I would advise that you do. If it’s right, he will find a way back into your life when he’s ready to give you the love and commitment that you need.
As to the Tinder issue – don’t read into it too much. If he’s upset to see you on the app then he’s a hypocrite and ain’t nobody got time for that. The good news is that you’ve already done the hard part – you’re back on Tinder and going on dates. It may take time, but eventually you will meet someone who makes you feel even better than this guy does. That’s a promise.
Do you have a dating question for Tinderella? Email your questions to TinderellaNYC@galoremag.com with the subject ‘Dating Advice’.