So, why do ancient sculptures have such small penises?

Last week, as I strolled through the gardens of Versailles and waltzed through the Louvre, I noticed something very puzzling. Why is it that all male sculptures in the Greek style feature such small weiners? Considering the fact that ancient through renaissance art tends to idealize the human body, it perplexed me why they wouldn’t pump up their penises a bit, to say the least.

If you describe a guy as having “the body of a Greek God” you would assume he’s built as hell, perfectly chiseled…and possibly has a small weiner? Are the Greeks trying to tell us that there’s no way we’re going to get lucky enough to find a strong man with a big D? Or that all buff dudes are overcompensating for their lack of size below the belt?

Thankfully, after turning to the internet, I have found out that this is not the case.

While there are a couple reasons that the Ancient Greeks did not generally sculpt male figures with large penises, the easiest reason is that there were different body standards back then. When you compare the “dream body” of women today with that of ancient times, there are obviously many differences. While women were once adored for their curves and natural deposits of fat, many women today strive to be as lean as possible. The same goes for men. Although today’s standards have us chicks wishing every guy was packing like James Deen, the ladies of ancient times fantasized about something else while attempting to get around their chastity belts.

Yep, they used to think small penises were the sh*t.

According to Kenneth Dover’s study, Greek Homosexuality; the ideal penis was “small, thin, and covered with a long, tapered foreskin (Sorry, American dudes). The Greeks also admired the pre-pubescent male, which is probably why many sculptures lack any sign of body hair. In the mind of the Greeks, large penises were considered either comical or barbaric.

Another reason for the desirable small penis had to do with procreating. The Ancient Greeks believed that a smaller penis meant that sperm had to travel less distance before entering the woman’s body, therefore making it easier to impregnate her. Obviously, we know now that this isn’t true, so please still make your boo with a third leg wear a condom.

While you may have not been interested enough to ever research this information for yourself, you can now proudly say that you know exactly why Ancient Greek style sculptures look the way that they do. Besides, the more you know about penises, the better…am I right? Next time you find yourself face to face (or face to dick?) with a small pecker, just remember that he would’ve been very sought after in ancient times.

…And don’t forget the benefits of dating a dude with a small one!

Gimme More Sex + Dating

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