All The Presents Kylie Jenner’s Gotten For Her 18th Birthday, Ranked

A couple months ago, I learned the most fabulous thing a pop-culture obsessed twenty-something-year-old can learn: I share a birthday with Kylie Jenner. But while I’m turning an incredibly unimportant 26, my birthday twin Kylie is officially becoming an adult. That’s right world, Kylie Jenner is 18-years-old now, so everybody who’s spent the last however many months/years complaing about how grown she’s acting for somebody who’s only 17 better find something else to talk about.  Or not. Whatever.

Since Kylie is Kylie and haters gonna hate, the birthday girl has been making headlines for 24 hours now about the multitude of gifts she’s found herself in possession of.  Even though there’s totally no such thing as a bad birthday present (except for when you got me a pair of cutco knives and only let me keep one, mom), here’s a list of all the presents Kylie Jenner’s gotten for her birthday, ranked.

1.  Adulthood

Truly, there’s no greater gift for any woman on the cusp of adulthood than finally turning 18 and becoming legal.  Okay, so sure she can’t rent a car, or buy alcohol, but she’s finally free to openly date her boyfriend/husband Tyga, and as we all know, love is the most important thing in the world.  Even to a Kardashian.

2. Moving Out Of Her Mom’s House 

This sort of ties in with adulthood, but now that Kylie’s 18, she can actually live in the $2.7 million home she bought herself, instead of living at home with her mom.  The biggest advantage to this situation?  Finally being able to invite Tyga over to spend the night without also waking him up at five in the morning to go jump out her window so she can remain a virgin, if only in her mother’s eyes.

3. A New, Used Car

I don’t know what everybody is getting so upset about – used or new, a car is a great birthday present. Why should Kylie care that Tyga may or may not have re-gifted her an SUV that he let Blac Chyna, his previous girlfriend/baby mama drive back in the day?  I mean, let’s be real here, was he supposed to let his ex just keep the car? Do you know how expensive those are? Tyga hasn’t had that many hit songs.  He’s not 25 sitting on 25 mil, he’s just 25.  He can’t afford to get every girlfriend he has a new car.  He just has the one.  But hey, at least he painted it a new color.  That’s one classy dude.

4. A Birkin Bag


Okay, so I know they’re like, totally synonymous with luxury and all, but c’mon Kylie.  You’re a woman now, and that means taking a stand against things you find inhumane.  While bullying was a worthy cause when you were still 17, now that you’re an adult, you have to choose a grown-up cause.  While it can be very hard to choose just what cause you’re going to champion, there’s no easier, or trendier choice than animal rights.  Even though the bag is incredibly beautiful, I can’t help but feel like this was a real missed opportunity for Kylie.  Oh well.  She’ll get ’em next time.

5. A Ferrari…From Tyga


Um excuse me, didn’t he already give her a car? I don’t care what the magazines say, giving Kylie the used car that he had was his most beneficial option. He needs to save all the money he can so he can keep up with her extravagant lifestyle, and he does not NEED to be buying her a ferrari just because he wants to look like her big baller boyfriend. So what? The media gives you a little flack, stand up for yourself and be a boss, dude. Ain’t no shame.

6. This Cake


Cake makes bitches fat, but the one time of the year where even the trimmest among us make an exception is on our birthdays because the only thing that bitches love more than talking about their timelines, checking up on social media and talking about themselves is cake. Even though you could say this cake is a little small, and a tad basic for a bitch of Kylie’s stature, let’s remember something important: bitches love cake, but nobody wants to eat too much. Seeing as the cake was present at an intimate Kardashian gathering, I can only assume that the rest of Kylie’s party felt the same way. Rob was obviously not in attendance.

7. The “Joy” of Charity


Even though everybody who’s anybody knows that your birthday is a time for getting gifts rather than giving gifts, as an oft-hated celebrity, Kylie decided to use her birthday to get some good publicity and spent an afternoon visiting kids undergoing renal dialysis for kidney failure at Children’s Hospital Los Angeles. Jenner gave each child a care package filled with Beats headphones, disposable cameras, Sugar Factory kidney-friendly candies 9whatever those are), and socks designed by the brother that didn’t love her enough to do to her birthday celebration. Eh.  Nobody wants to see a bad bitch using her celebrity for good.

8. A “Dope” Party In Canada


A lot has been made about the fact that Kylie is getting paid to fly out to Canada and take advantage of the fact that the drinking age is lower there, but let’s be real, Kylie Jenner doesn’t need to go to Canada to get a club to give her booze for free.  Even though Drake has done a lot to boost Canada’s image, it’s still f-ckin Canada.  The only thing she’s really gaining from all of this is a dope poster.  Not impressed.

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