Adam Levine’s Shaved Head Is Seriously Giving Me An Existential Crisis

For as long as I can remember, Adam Levine has been a sex symbol I can depend on. When I was in middle school and completely enamored by stringy, nerdy boys like Seth Cohen, Adam Levine was there for me. When I grew up a little, and started lusting over boys with muscles and tattoos, Adam was there for me. For as long as I’ve been conscious of having sexual thoughts about men, Adam Levine has represented my ideal of what a sexy man should look like…that is, until Monday night when the Maroon 5 frontman decided it was a good idea to appear on national television with a shaved head.

Remember when Adam went blonde last year? Yeah, this is worse. Like, nothing was the same worse.


When I gaze into Adam Levine’s expanse of shiny, flesh-colored skull, I don’t see a sexy man, I see a reminder that all good things in life most come to an end. While I’ve always assumed that Adam Levine would be sexy forever, the truth is that he won’t.  He will get old, he will lose his hair (not to mention all his muscle definition), and he will die.

Being in my mid-twenties, I’ve had to come to terms with my fair share of inconvenient truths, but Adam Levine’s enduring legacy as a sex symbol is something I wasn’t quite ready for.   Oh, Adam, why did you have to shave your head and smack me in the face with your mortality?  Can’t you just stay sexy forever?  Don’t you owe us at least that much?

Still, at least I can be comforted by the fact that Adam Levine’s hair will grow back.  He may not be able to be sexy forever, but he’s still got at least a few good years left.


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